MR 25.01.08 - Stokers v Almonds

Match Report Friday 25th January 2008:  Stokers v Almonds  Some may wish I’d had to stay there, but Friday evening got a lot more interesting once I was able to leave my outpost by the Stoker Sticker-Up to mingle amongst The Boys.  Only problem with that is I was so busy enjoying myself I forgot to make many notes…  I think I can remember the important bits though, so bear with me as I take you on a journey through the highlights of our uber match against the Division 3 leaders.  (I bet even Hammer can sense things not boding well for him already…).  AndyMan & MiniDisk were already up & playing when I arrived, fashionably late, doing a grand job of putting us in an early lead by scoring 31 & 19 respectively & pulling 8 pins from the Stokers.  If it hadn’t have been for the ill-timed use of hand cream by Wiggle, she would have been next up for the slaughter, but Craptain decided to allow her time to absorb & therefore prevent the balls from getting slippery, chalking up the partnership of Turk & Compact instead.   Turk was on good form, firing his way to a 27, whilst Compact followed up with a more modest 23, with which he claimed to be very happy:  it doesn’t show much aspiration, but was his best score so far this year… I’m pretty sure he’s being self effacing just to thwart my attempts at sniping, but he’s bound to drop his guard at some point, & I shall be waiting, on that you can rely!  Only 1 pin was lost at this juncture, & 7 pins up Craptain put the now smooth-but-not-slippery handed Wiggle on to play with Jocky.  Our own teammates may not have found our performance very rousing, nor did it inspire much boisterousness – frustration & exasperation, well now you’re talking, we were the business! – but the Stokers enjoyed it & became infused with some sort of madness as our ups progressed: like hounds smelling the fox-scent, they bayed & howled in over-excited hysteria – the equivalent of sucking their own dciks? – which took its toll in the form of fractured bonhomie & frayed nerves in the Almond camp, yours truly being the only one whose testosterone didn’t go into competitive overdrive!, the normally mild-mannered Jocky having to be held back & reduced to swearing no less – losing his effing virginity following the Stokers claiming an unearned pin!  It wasn’t our fault we were pitched against 2 big show offs, my almost respectable 20 & Jocky’s very respectable 25 being lost like pebbles on a beach against an onslaught of 33 & 36!  We dropped an embarrassing 24 pins to push us 17 in arrears as we barely stopped to draw breath let alone suck oranges – although we probably looked like we’d been sucking lemons! – at half time.  You can’t accuse me of not being consistent, helping to turn the game around for the second week running.  Admittedly, for the better is always more rewarding, but had it not been for mine & Jocky’s efforts The Almonds wouldn’t have then become zealous in their determination to quash the pack of wild animals that the Stokers had become.  Orical & Hammer kicked off the second half, & soon wiped the smirks off the faces of the swiftly subdued rabble…  Orical rocketed his way to a 27, stock-piling 18 pins from his oppo:  I might have had more to say about his performance had he not been so lippy with his predictions of how I would report his stint – his aggression was more usefully employed directing insults at the Stokers, aided & abetted by Jocky – not sure who is a bad influence on who there!  Hammer, meanwhile, had a bit of a lucky spell…  Deep in conversation with our Craptain, I missed Hammer’s 9:  lucky for him my interest in talking to Craptain about respective decorating projects went off the boil after the flash git said he’d got a man in to do his, whilst this poor peasant has to DIH, so my attention reverted to the game.  Things were going so well on the alley that Craptain deemed Hammer’s score all ‘jam’, which makes a change from the ‘gravy’ Compact favours, Craptain’s own taste preference being sweet as opposed to savoury.  Whatever was pumping through Hammer’s veins on Friday obviously suited him as he put one punishing score after another up on the board.  On 31 with his last up to go, it looked like he’d peaked too early as he put his first two balls straight through – & following the gospel of Compact, if you can put two through…  However, with nerves of steel Hammer sent his 3rd ball down the alley as soundly as a cock crows at dawn, taking out what can only be described as a spectacular 8 pins to secure himself the fantastic sum of 39:  I’m almost sorry he didn’t crack the 40…  if only to see Chuckle 1s face!  Thank God that bit of reporting’s over, it was like eating glass.  With a massive 37 pins being pulled back on the game, our 5th pair were pumped high on adrenaline at a 20-pin advantage.  aRCe & Craptain had it easy really, with the pressure being taken off, but even so they continued a savage assault on the Stokers to take us even further into the lead by another 25 pins, putting us 45 in front by the time our ‘ankers had to play.  30s started coming thick & fast for the Almonds now, aRCe chalking up a corker of a 33, fitting in a really good 9 that I did see!, followed by an 8, which in turn was followed bizarrely by a dcuk!  The blame for that was laid resolutely at Compact’s door for uttering his usual assurances about being on for a definite 30, but even his jinx wasn’t weighty enough to sink us at this point.  Enquiring about whether he had a hard on or not, putting aRCe right off his stroke, was hitting a little below the belt by Compact, & I don’t even pretend to understand what a ‘loose lob’ is, or even if I’ve got that right!!, but I’m getting some sort of education anyway, if only in the number of ways men can talk about their genitals.  Our Craptain, trying to play down his flashness by getting a man in to sleep in his shirt for a week so he looked fashionably trashed, also managed a neat 30 this week, so it was a very happy bag of Almonds that cheered on their last two players, Sparky & Chuckle 1.  Sparky had to settle for the wrong side of 30 again this week with 29, with C1 chasing after Hammer hard so as not to lose his grip on control of the averages…  he scored a usually supreme 35, but had to go home with the knowledge his inputting of this week’s scores may well see him second to MC – always assuming he doesn’t utilise his alter ego, Conspiracy Pete!  So, we won against the Division leaders, in majestic style too by 38 pins, but the jury is still out on whether we take their crown as there was lots of talk about games in hand, adding 3, dividing by two, & what God giveth he can also taketh away…  or something like that anyway.  Basically we have to wait & see!  There is no game next week, w/c 28/1 – our next being Tuesday 5th February at home against the Patchwegians.