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I wasn’t going to bother with a match report for last week, because quite apart from the overwhelming apathy (well, it would be overwhelming if anyone could be bothered…) shown on the website these days, events of our game against Rangers on Tuesday 6/3 are a little hazy, and my notes aren’t too much of a help as they appear to have been written by a small dyslexic child – I can’t tell if it’s upside down, back to front, or written in Greek. I do remember feeling quite relieved when someone said that the lights were out on the alley, because for a minute I thought I had actually drunk myself blind or was blacking out. The Rangers were appreciative of my attire if “bloody hell love, you’re a bit tarted up for a game of skittles ain’t ya” was anything to go by, and I think everyone was looking forward to watching me play in stilettos but sadly it was not to be: it would appear that the reward for cutting short a social evening out to come to the aid of your team (by picking up the balls and sticker up when Compact & peRV couldn’t be arsed) and making sure you are available for selection, is to be dropped unceremoniously from the squad – I don’t know what all the waffle about being stood down on the grounds of diminished responsibility was all about, I could feel the positivity flowing through my veins and was on for a certain sure top score of at least 40. Robbed, that’s what I was, robbed blind. Anyway, Turk & Lodge got the game going by scoring 24 & 20 and putting us 15 in front from the start. As usual they had things to do so buggered off once they’d been adequate and Craptain put aRCe & Barnesy Junior on next. aRCe was obviously unnerved by being in the lead so early on, only scoring 11 against BJ’s 21, but it wasn’t a total disaster because they only dropped 5 to leave us still winning by 10 as the Welsh Boyos were turned loose. Taffy was a bit out of touch with the old skittle lingo, commenting that he hadn’t heard the expression ‘spawny’ for a long time, leaving Orical to point out that was because he hadn’t been at skittles for a while!! He was also a little out of practise with the throwing too - he chalked up an iffy 19 and put our star player Jocky right off, as the latter could barely manage half of his recent scoring success with 14. With 13 pins thrown into the wilderness, we were now 3 down as Orical & peRV took up the challenge. They were totally awesome, managing to hold the team even at 3 down after scoring 6 & 20 respectively… peRV had had a very nice bike ride and met some lovely people whilst doing it, people who were happy having nothing but everything at the same time – at least I think that’s what he said, nothing was making sense with vodka swishing around nicely on top of wine. I do seem to recall Orical pointing out that peRV must have felt right at home, because it sounded a bit like the Patchwaygians. Compact phoned Craptain to see if he was needed to play having arrived home finally after “working late at the office”… despite Craptain telling him no, Compact turned up anyway – and also got dropped for showing dedication to the team. Instead, Craptain played Hammer & Sparky. Hammer was also bragging about getting a 40, (but then he was also bragging about Amy B thinking he was “hip n happening”, not realising she’d recently volunteered for Help the Aged and was practising being patronising and kind), and he was half right. His 21 pulled back 11 of the 18 pins our ‘ankers-in-waiting accumulated between them to put us 15 in front, Sparky only managing a modest 24 on our home alley. And so Craptain & Chuckle 1 took up ‘anker positions and fired off a home win. Either showing they could play nicely together or each determined not to let the other outdo them, they scored 30 apiece, pulled a further 12 pins, securing us a win by 27 pins. Unfortunately I don’t remember why Reg would have been doing a Harry Worth impersonation, nor why he would be well away if we ever have Skittling on Ice. However, I do know that Hammer would also be well away, as he is always skating on thin ice… NEXT MATCH: FRIDAY 16/3 AT CLIFTON FOOTBALL RUGBY CLUB AGAINST TRYMSIDE
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