Friday night at Little Stoke Social Club wasn’t one of my best evenings.  There was one highlight, but on the whole it was a savage experience.   Not only did I have to accept I didn’t play well on an allegedly ‘easy’ alley, but I had to cope with the fact that I threw away my advantage over Compact in the averages by giving him the opportunity to outdo me, and watch as he rubbed my nose right in it when he proceeded to score twice as many pins as me.  That’s what you get for gloating over being .1 of a point superior I guess, but come on!, it wasn’t much to ask was it?  As if that wasn’t punishment enough, Orical found some inspiration from somewhere – God knows how, because I’ve been making pretty sure he didn’t get access to any – and had his Game of the Season, scoring an obscene 36 with ease.  After a wash-out of a Valentine’s day (when my daughter got a beautiful rose bouquet & classy, expensive handbag and I got to go food shopping and cook the tea), & no ‘escape’ from the SOSO, I was just about ready to go home and stick my head in the oven (on a temperate setting for a short time to avoid hair frizz), but salvation was at hand.  Hammer failed to score a sure-fire 30 after bragging about how easy the alley was, and that, coupled with his failure to follow Colleen’s instructions to get his boiler fixed, which resulted in an expensive & messy clean up operation, was enough to salvage my mood from total despair – especially as he had to admit to being WRONG.

In the absence of our Craptain, VC got the game under way against the Stokers by turning the balls from their new ‘compact’ home – they must feel like hermit crabs and be hoping the original owner doesn’t repossess!  Whilst Lodge requested to go on first, I wasn’t given any wiggle room and just had to do as I was told.  Rude.  I think it was just a conspiracy, looking back on it now, to demoralise me into under performing so that Compact had an unfair advantage, especially when he knew the opposition were yet again playing their bestest players first…  Against a barrage of 37 & 32, Lodge & I responded with a 23 & 17, placing us 29 pins down at the end of the first up.  Compact’s idea of motivation was to point out he’d noticed I was actually aiming at pins, and that he’d told me about the perils of that before…  you could be mistaken for thinking he cares, is giving you sound advice, until you realise it’s just a line and he uses it on everyone – I suppose if you find a line you like you might as well get value out of it!

Craptain had arrived to witness this opening butchery, and with a quick tot up of who we had available to play, he confirmed we just about had a team and were therefore in with a shout of pulling off a win!  Barnesy went on with Jocky, and whilst coping with the stress of bouncing in front of her pupils’ parents, she clocked up 13 pins for the Almonds.  Jocky meanwhile enjoyed the double delight of scoring his first 30 this season, as well as his second stroke of the pussy, with a perfectly scored 33.  The Stokers managed to increase their lead by 7 pins to 36, so rising to the challenge Craptain put Compact & Barnesy Junior up next.

It’s very galling to have to write that they turned the game around…  Compact blasted his way to 33 with the shrapnel approach, and even though BJ’s score was more modest at 16, this meant they pulled 3 pins back and earned themselves a WPTP.  I didn’t write a lot of notes whilst our 3^rd pair were on, partly because I was too busy cussing about Compact’s luck on the alley and practising my litany of curses, but partly because Hammer, who made it clear from the very start of the evening that his sole intention was to get Hammer’d that night, hardly shut up.  His voice got so shrill at times in its quest for sympathy I thought my ears would bleed.  He was on a hiding to nothing, but too far gone to realise no one gave a *.  First off he’s moaning because he was sat all on his own on Valentine’s night – no card again, no flowers either…  get over it like the rest of us women.  Not only that, but he’s going to be on his little own all next week and have to fend for himself.  Boo hoo hoo..   And then, as if life weren’t cruel enough, on top of all that, he’s got Man Flu!  You couldn’t fail to notice that this didn’t impede his capability to keep lifting his glass to his lips…  nor did it stop him indulging his fantasies & declaring his passion for a fellow Almond, letting everyone know loudly and proudly that he was looking forward to being behind aRCe every week.

The Stokers brightened our spirits at half time with the delivery of a bowl of rolls, which Craptain bestowed the honour on of handing them out to Compact – and oh! how Barnesy & I laughed as Compact deployed his perplexed look to perfection, and asked Craptain “what am I looking for?” when urged to offer them to the ladies first…  Beer, food and a good skittle score – the men must have thought they were in paradise.  Oh no, hang on, that can’t be right – there were no strippers.  Although one buxom Stoker wench made them drool with delight every time she played – the balls not the only round sphericals in danger of spilling onto the alley.  Sparky summed it up quite nicely when he dribbled out “what a lovely pair” in lieu of the WPTP aRCe & Orical deserved after thundering their way to 27 & 36 as 4^th pair, pulling back 19 pins on the game to put us in a very winnable position with only 14 pins to chase.

Not being one to delight at the misfortune of others myself, the shameful display from Orical as he first equalled, exceeded and then completely annihilated my score has to be one of the most sordid sights seen.  A sly, secret little smile to himself he could have been forgiven for, taking his success and plaudits with a modest “I was just lucky” would have been the best way to go.   Punching the air with his fists, hissing “yeeessssss, stick that” and dancing a victory jig impressed no-one, least of all Wiggle who has to witness this routine on a regular basis when he grabs the TV remote first.   Women know how important it is to allow men some little victories from time to time so they don’t lose all hope…

With a win tantalisingly within grasp, Craptain stuck to his formula of Hammer & Sparky as the warm up ‘ankers.    The team could only look on and agree with Hammer’s sage pronouncements throughout his ups: that he was glad to hit something when his game was more miss than hit – so were we; there was no excuse for getting a duck on the Stokers’ alley – quite right, not even Man Flu; his last up was crap - absolutely.  But we drew the line when he said he thought he’d let the team down – after all, there was no thought about it, he most definitely had.  Despite Sparky, still thinking about the Lovely Pair and concentrating on a possible stroke of Pussy no doubt, getting his 31, Hammer’s lapse with 29 allowed the Stokers to pull back 5 pins, leaving us 19 down as Craptain & Chuckle 1 took up ‘anker positions.

Sparky predicted we would win by 4 at this juncture, and after the first up our ‘ankers had 10 of the 19 pulled back already.  There’s no denying that playing against the lowest scoring Stokers helped, but Craptain & C1 pretty much held their nerve throughout to make an exciting and ultimately jubilant finish to what had looked for most of the evening to be another massacre.  Craptain chalked up 26 pins, whilst C1 scored 31, pulling 27 pins on the pair to give us victory by 8!

Our next match is on Wednesday 28^th February against the Smugglers at Patchway Sports & Social Club.