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MR 30/1 - Up hill, Down dale... still searching for a win! |
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If Rob was expecting respect & sympathy this week, he must have been sorely disappointed – rather like the guy on the motorbike last Friday. PeRV’s fellow Almonds might have held back, but when you turn up to skittles, bump into someone and say “sorry mate, didn’t see you there”, it’s as good as declaring open season! We only just had enough bodies to make a team on Tuesday against the Ups & Downs. We missed the Welsh Boyos, who had both escaped to foreign climes – an unsuspecting Compact calmly called Jocky to check on his availability only to discover he was in Toulouse, and wasn’t stupid enough to fall for the same prank twice, ignoring desperate urgings from the rabble for him to ring Taffy to find out if he could play, knowing full well he was in the States! aRCe kindly took time out of his busy schedule to show up, shoot & leave. A cuddle afterwards would have been nice, but having deposited his 19 in the box he barely waited for me to finish before he was gone. Apart from the duck fricassee I had to start, which was Compact’s fault because he confused me with the whole Salt n Pepper thing & I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to throw balls at pins or break into a song and dance routine, I played quite well & put 25 on the board. Craptain pronounced our 3 pin drop almost as good as being in front at that stage of the game, and Young Guns Minidisc & Lodge were turned loose to do some damage. It wasn’t the damage Craptain was hoping for, as they kept it friendly and each scored 16, leaving the opposition to streak ahead by a further 21 pins to place us 24 behind. Minidisc must use all his mental energy hoping his jeans don’t fall off, as the only thing appearing to keep them up is willpower – fascinating how they defy gravity. Lodge on the other hand chose to practise his ‘precision aiming’, which in effect meant that it was the best excuse he could come up with for taking out the 1 stand alone pin on the far right of the alley instead of the group of 4 huddled together on the left. Craptain decided he didn’t like their hit & miss method of playing because it turned out to be mostly miss, but he could have just been being crabby because he’d recorded a couple of wrong scores on the board and had to be corrected – men always have a difficult time with that. Barnesy & EN&T brushed off the cobwebs & prepared to astound us with their technique. And if they hadn’t experienced grip problems because they found the balls too shiny they may well have pulled it off. Despite having to face barracking from the Ups & Downs as well as the Almonds, Barnesy persevered and was rewarded with 14, EN&T following close behind with 12: she had carefully planned ahead, sticking a pencil in her eye before she came out & claiming it as an eye infection so that if it all went horribly wrong she could plead martyrdom. Having paid it particular attention, Compact tried to compliment EN&T on the fact her balling was getting faster – as if that’s all it takes to be a good skittler - but his enthusiasm was cut short when she pointed out it only appeared that way because the balls were slipping out of her hand before she was ready. It became apparent that the reason EN&T was dropped by Craptain last week was because of her blatant attempts to pick up a man when he was down, whilst her own was trying to salvage a game out of the chaos that reigned because of that. She shamelessly used a tried and tested “do you come here often” chat up line on the concussed biker, and was very quick to rummage about in his pockets under the pretence she was feeling for a mobile phone… I’m surprised Craptain risked asking her to turn out again, but I suppose it was desperation. The Girls only dropped 10 pins, and at 34 down Craptain put Orical & Compact on. Now normally I would say that as Match Reporter I am fairly fearless about what I write, although there have been occasions when I have chosen to pull a few punches – believe it or not – and I am thinking that now is as good a time as any to err on the side of caution. Orical couldn’t hit a friggin’ barn door with a combine harvester. Orical didn’t want to hurt the itty-bitty pins. Orical was crap. Orical had an eye infection. Orical had a bad night. Orical didn’t get any luck, and only scored 9 even though he tried really, really hard. I offered to discuss where he was going wrong on the way home, but respected his wishes not to talk about it after he damn near took my head off with a string of bellowed swear-words. Compact was a bit too interested in his position on the averages sheet for my liking, rubbing it in just because he’s pushed me way down and is back on top – I would never do that. I may have taken some small pleasure from seeing him eat duck for dessert to finish on 23, DROPPING 3 pins on his oppo in the process whilst I’d PULLED 5… (plus he dropped 12 on the pair whilst I only dropped 3). “Vindaloo, vindaloo, vindaloo-vindaloo nah nah, I went & scored more pins than yooooooou”. Anyhoo, now 46 down Craptain started philosophising about how we’ve been relegated into a harder division in a bid to take the pressure of this week’s almost ‘ankers. With no Sparky to prop up Hammer with, Craptain put peRV on with him instead. peRV, whose nerves were probably still jittery about hitting things, had a bit of a shaky start. However, after Compact had helped him visualise the front pin with a crash helmet on he was off and running. He finished up on 26, which was 1 less than Hammer, who had a lucky game. If Hammer had really tried they might have pulled back more than 18 pins and left the ‘ankers with a bit more of a fighting chance of winning the game for us, but 28 pins proved too much of a mountain to climb for Craptain & Chuckle 1. peRV volunteered to look after the board for Craptain whilst he was playing, which put Reg right off & caused him to dish up x2 ducks for entrees. Compact opened up a whole can of worms we could have done without by asking Craptain if he woke up with his balls in his hands… next thing we know Craptain’s too stiff to play & he’s taken himself off to the billiards room to press, stretch & relax his affected muscle. Compact was asked to perform Indian Head, but he drew the line at that level of service to his Craptain. Our game of many more Downs than Ups finished in defeat by 32 pins. Craptain dented his high scoring streak with 17, whilst Chuckle 1 could only manage 24 this week. So that’s one game we didn’t manage to dig deep for… although it did have its highlights, namely the serving up of 3 hot chocolates by Compact for the Laydeez. Cath, spurred on by her success with an unconscious male last week, tried to curry favour with Compact and show Barnesy & Wiggle up in the process by offering to pay him back for hers… you have to learn to let the men enjoy these little treats Cath!! Our next game is Friday 9th February, when we play West Sports at Patchway Sports &Social Club.
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