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I was reminded of the carnage of Tuesday’s game against Filton Wanderers on the way home from work today, the wind having enjoyed its own skittles match with the wheelie bins – and won with the same resounding force. Craptain & VC Compact were discussing strategy over a bag or two of crisps long before the Almonds started to arrive, trying to decide whether our position in the League Table was dire or abysmal, depending on whether last week’s scores were added or not. Abandoning that avenue of depression, Craptain put some names up on the board, victimising Wiggle & Taffy by putting them on first. His request of not starting out the game too many pins down got lost in translation somewhere, but we did our best – sort of – having been pitched against a Wanderer whom we wish hadn’t showed up. Wiggle was encouraged to put a bit of salt & pepper into her skittling having started with a duck… not sure what that meant, I nonetheless wrenched my shoulder trying to show willing. After 6 long and painful ups, Wiggle’s only claim to fame was dropping about as many pins as she & Taffy scored. Her 11 against a Bar Steward who didn’t fight fair and scored 37, together with Taffy’s 15, put us 28 pins down on the game. Compact was very keen to offer comfort as we slunk off the alley, putting me in mind of Hughie Green as he said that Taffy & Wiggle’s score wasn’t bad (for 1st pair) & that it wasn’t very often you get someone playing first who scores so well. He was also surprised at my 11, the inference being he was surprised I got so many… but when pressed on this point he agreed it was because I am capable of better things – and he meant that most sincerely folks. Taffy wasn’t sure he wanted to score much better than Wiggle anyway, in case she stole his score for herself and saddled him with her 11, following such dirty tricks last week in her libellous report when she painted him out to be an even worse skittler than he actually is – the Match Reporter offers a full and unequivocal apology for saying he scored 6 when it was actually 11… With Chuckle 1 protecting his average by lying low in Toulouse, a sly trick not lost on Craptain who thinks that is where his problem lies – playing too much – it was time to call in the cavalry, Barnesy Junior. BJ arrived in the nick of time to play 2nd to aRCe 2nd pair, needing to fit in his turn before his meal spoiled at 9pm! I was slightly distracted from the game at this point, the wise old owls waxing lyrical with their life wisdoms behind me. Sparky, who could easily run a marital counselling service with such innovative ideas as “Treat them mean, keep them keen”, was run a close second for corniest cliché by Hammer, who pronounced “the cream always rises”: after last week’s ‘cream in the coffee’ routine I didn’t bother enquiring too closely what the hell he was blathering on about, but knowing how he likes to blow his own trumpet, I’d guess he was referring to himself. aRCe scored 17 & it proved worth dragging BJ out this week when he put 29 on the board. This pulled us back a valuable 13 pins, and with the game turned round in our favour, Craptain made the dubious decision to put Orical & Compact on. Halfway through a lacklustre performance, Barnesy took time out to bring to their attention the fact they were already dropping as many pins as we had just pulled back on the previous pair – I am not sure this ‘tough love’ had the desired effect, but it did mean they salvaged a few pins to only drop 8 after scoring 18 & 13 respectively. Sparky felt Compact would have benefited from a rub down with a wire brush, but not having one to hand Compact had to struggle on regardless. Lodge had been summoned to play too, and whilst I am glad he turned up and took away lowest score from me, I suspect he wishes he’d been forgotten. Even being paired with Craptain didn’t inspire him, and Craptain didn’t do himself any favours either in choosing to play earlier than he’s been used to (due to peRV & Jocky turning up late as they had a previous engagement at a football meeting) and being reluctant to break up his ‘ankers-in-waiting. Having thrown his inaugural ball and felt that something was off, Lodge emptied his pockets onto an adjacent table. He had more in those than a woman can pack into a handbag – even Compact was impressed and asked if he had anything else to declare, like a bag of coal. Apart from giving us all a good laugh, unburdening himself didn’t make a blind bit of difference to Lodge’s game – nor did trying to kick the radiator into next week – and he bowed out on 9. Craptain fared a little better, although didn’t do his average any favours by scoring 19, and that doubled our deficit to 46 as Hammer & Sparky were turned loose. Now, there is a common belief that Hammer’s return to the fold has jinxed the Almonds, and that it is all his fault we are suffering this trough. But if his plan was to come back as our salvation, then he needs to re-examine his strategy because since my last report this skittler has reached rock bottom and started to dig. He wasn’t very gracious about Compact’s attempts to make him feel less bad about his poor scoring, when Compact pointed out hitting 4 had to be better than a 3rd duck & to look on the bright side – some people are just ‘half empty glass’… Even Sparky started with a duck, prompting suspicion his missile guidance system was turned off, but he rallied to put a more healthy 23 on the board than Hammer’s 11. Now 60 pins down on the game, and not a hope of a miracle to come with Jocky & peRV playing ‘ankers, we had the Filton Wanderers baying “now we’ve got them worried” at us – and things got very rowdy from then on in. We deserve a prize for most cheerful losers, surely? Despite Compact’s best efforts to put the KoD on Jocky’s stroke of the Pussy, Jocky put in a true ‘ankers performance and held his nerve to battle his way to 26 with no ducks. It was a little intrusive to watch, but he savoured every last drop of pleasure from his first – and possibly last – contact with the Pussy this season. He pulled back 12 pins just to worry the Wanderers enough about their lead, as if losing by 48 to a team supposedly worse than us would be less embarrassing than the 60. And so to peRV. He turned up in his usual quiet, unimposing way… it must have been some motivational football meeting – or they handed out drugs – as he was well and truly wired!! Taffy’s clarification of Boule as an old folks’ game failed to dampen his euphoria at being headhunted to play for his boyfriend’s team, which he seemed to think was the highest accolade anyone could aspire to, and he was quite cheerful about being banned from chalking up for life following yet another massacre of the scoreboard. His exuberance spilled over into his game – not necessarily reflected in his score of 23, but in his stance as he bounced up & down like Zebedee prior to launching his balls. When he didn’t score particularly well, Compact was moved to mutter “time for bed”. And I’m not sure of the context of Sparky’s remark, but because I liked it – a lot – I’ll use it anyway… allegedly, if peRV had a brain he’d be a half-wit! Barnesy, who had stoically filled in the scores for us again this week without complaint or hope of reward, was a bag of nerves when the game was over and it was time to go home because she was stuck with Hammer giving her a lift. Now, this would surely be enough to turn the hardest woman’s stomach, but coupled with his sinister threats to molest the Pussy in the car in spite of not earning the right just because he was taking it home that night, she was understandably jumpy. Urging her not to travel with Pussy easily accessible, we left Barnesy to her fate. Our next match is Friday 26th January, at our favourite venue of all – The Bourne End Inn, Oakborne Road – against the Premiers. With sausages & chips to look forward to, we can presumably expect a bumper crop of Almonds – if they can find it. How many roads lead to the Bourne End Inn? I got bored trying to count, but it all seems to depend on where you are attacking it from. Compact has been asked to keep MiniDisc under control if he deigns to show up, because we don’t want a repeat of the ball through the window incident… but let’s please do remember to turn up!!
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