Would we have noticed they weren’t there if Compact & peRV’s failure to arrive in time for kick-off at our last game of 2006, on our home alley against the Filton Nomads, hadn’t left our 1st pair having to make do with inferior balls & our Craptain reduced to sticker-up duties?– he gallantly refused the offer of crisps to go with his fizzy pop lest his hands be too greasy to handle his equipment properly. 

Orical got very excited (it doesn’t take much…) when after 1 up the Young Guns had put us in the lead, seen as a good omen considering that at the same point last week we were losing, and Lodge & Turk avoided any unpleasantness by keeping us in the lead by 3 after scoring 14 & 26 respectively. Turk had been playing well until “Kiss of Death” Douglas said he was on for a 40…  old age & treachery rearing its head again.

Despite some opposition from Sparky, who thought Wiggle had some nerve not bothering to turn up when she had better things to do one week and then showing up the next expecting a game, Craptain put Wiggle on 2^nd pair with Taffy.  His faith was rewarded when Wiggle sashayed home with 29 and no ducks, enjoying a subtle stroke of the Pussy in celebration, ignoring Sparky’s earnest encouragement to “go for it” & “can I watch”?, and whilst Taffy gamely knocked down 19 pins (which on a normal week would have been enough to bring the glory of a WPTP), because the Nomads had put some steroid abusing Tasmanian Devil on in opposition, we saw our lead taken away and the Almonds now 9 in arrears.

aRCe  & peRV were next up and with a pontoon of pins managed to put us back in the lead by 12 having scored 14 & 23 apiece.  As if that feat on those sorts of scores weren’t difficult enough to digest, it beggars belief that with 15 & 11 Orical & Compact were able to increase our lead – Compact holding both Nomads with his 11-gun salute whilst Orical forged us onwards into the lead with his 15.  Having been delivered with his comeuppance of LOWEST SCORE for jinxing Turk’s 40, faced the fact that Sparky’s advice to slow things down instead of the “bull in a china shop” approach had worked – he scored 7 of his 11 following that bit of wisdom! – and with his hailing of himself and Orical as a “Dream Pair” being severely tested after both started with ducks, Compact must have been glad when concentration on the game itself was diverted with descent into farce as we moved on to our 5^th pair 27 pins in front.

“Did anybody see the Catherine Tate show with Charlotte Church in it”?  An innocuous enough question served up by peRV, but which resulted in the best comedy sketch you could have hoped for.   I can’t do it justice in this report:  the Welsh lilt doesn’t translate well for starters, and I was laughing so hard I was incapable of making notes as I couldn’t see the paper for tears…  Suffice to say that it is a little known fact that Eartha Kitt comes from the Welsh part of South Carolina, has a Bristolian cousin called Earthal, and has also been known to purrrrr around Tiger Bay in a Cat suit with that other Welsh broad, Burley Chassis.  As she was just an old fashioned girl, I am sure she would have been mad about our boys, not at them…

peRV was also laughing so hard at the humour he unleashed that he had difficulty containing himself – prompting aRCe to check out for himself if farts really can be lit.  Narrowly avoiding setting light to peRV’s trousers, aRCe was persuaded to put his lighter away, eventually, but not before we’d escaped the ‘Hot Rod’ & ‘Great Balls of Fire’ jokes.  Although, the song title also came in handy for describing the state of aRCe’s smooth balls – sadly not the ones he threw on the alley, but the ones we all now have an unwelcome picture of Lisa Immac-ing into angry protest.

Hammer & Sparky somehow managed to play against this backdrop, not that anyone was taking any notice.  Hammer put 22 on the board, Sparky taking advantage of Compact’s attention being drawn away from him to score 35!  If you are going to match both the opponents’ scores and leave your partner to pull the pins, that is the way to do it – with a further 22 pins added to our lead, we went into the last set of ups with 49 to spare, and a happy Sparky enjoying his moment with Pussy.

The next exciting diversion was who was going to be No.1 for Christmas – not musically, obviously, but top of the Averages chart!!  For someone who isn’t worried about being top of the averages, Craptain was doing a very good impersonation of someone who is!  As he was busily working it out as he went along, I should know if it was Bill or Ben.  Sorry, Craptain or Chuckle 1.  But I don’t.  Bovvered?  No, thought not.  Craptain, with his load lightened for not having to worry about whether we won or not, put in a Craptain’s innings of 31.  Chuckle 1 on the other hand, with no pressure to spur him into glory, scored a more modest 23, but he can take consolation for being the inspiration of a new skittling term – an Eartha Kitt*.

Our ‘ankers even managed to pull a further 7 pins so that we sent the Nomads a wandering across the wilderness of the Lost Kingdom by 56 pins.  Apparently this means we don’t have to be hugging bottoms.  At least I think that’s what Craptain said.

*  Eartha Kitt means you’re XXXX not very good.