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From the sound of things, a communal festive-flavour crisp feast, learning how to Immac courtesy of aRCe & Craptain’s glee of missing the pre-school reunion were the highlights of the evening at Patchway RBL Social Club, rather than the game itself against the Legion Rams Friday evening.
I on the other hand enjoyed a buffet feast fit for a King, learned lots of interesting but pointless facts in the quiz, took no glee in missing the rousing company of The Boys, but thoroughly enjoyed my triumph of a Christmas party! It was just as well we were giving Debbie a lift to the party, because my merry band of Social Chumps all had notes from their Mums explaining various reasons for lateness… 2 of the 15 turned up before it was completely too late to be of any use, and between us we transformed the blank canvas of a room (AXA cheapskates, couldn’t even put up a frickin’ Christmas tree) into a semblance of Christmas Wonderland – amazing what you can do with a bit of artistically draped tinsel, tasteful plastic cut outs and a few felt stockings! The chocolate coins and Christmas Confetti that adorned the tables didn’t look quite so classy after the chocolate had been consumed and the foil either discarded in crumpled piles back on the tables or thrown around the room as missiles, although I thought it was quite creative how the star, snowflake & tree confetti was used for facial decoration with the appliance of a bit of spit. The table concoction looked even less appetising when it came to clearing away at the end and I discovered ash & alcohol spillage added to the mix – I suspect it would make a very strong bonding agent as it was nigh on impossible to remove the foil confetti from the tables at the end!
Having decanted the Christmas Cocktail from its milk carton host-home to the cut crystal bowls masquerading as jolly Santa-adorned red plastic ones, ready to be ladled into exquisite plastic cups – it’s a wonder it still tasted so good after all that exposure to plastic! – fixed the lights to the Crimbo Limbo poles, which were also to serve an impromptu dual purpose for pole dancing, and donned our Santa hats (which are the coolest ones I’ve ever seen – red springs with a white cotton bobble on the end, that bounce about in a most disconcerting fashion every time you move your head! And didn’t deserve being dubbed ‘teletubbie’ hats, as my boss seemed to think…) we were good to go. After all that feverish activity & eager anticipation, it was a bit of an anti-climax to sit and wait for half an hour whilst everyone was fashionably late, but the party-goers did start sauntering in eventually, maybe not 140 strong, but certainly in enough numbers to fill the room! Only a tad behind schedule, we pronounced the buffet open and whilst everyone stuffed their faces we got the quiz under way. By the time our quiz master had whipped the contestants into an enthusiastic mob when they realised there were spot prizes for being first on their feet to perform tricks for alcoholic goodies, Barnesy Junior & Minidisk had given away the lead to the Rams after scoring 21 & 12.
I have absolutely no idea who won the quiz, although I do know that somehow our team won 2 spot prizes even though I didn’t participate in leaping to my feet linked to the rest of them screaming an answer at the top of my lungs, as I was by now lost in a blur of trying to be the Hostess with the Mostest & making sure everyone who arrived was able to sample the rather fabulous Cocktail – despite me remembering to put the correct quantity of juice in this time, it still hit the spot rather nicely, and quite quickly too! By the time the quiz was done and we were moving into the speeches & prize draw – before my 2 lovely bosses got too smashed to make sense and could still see the numbers on the raffle tickets! – Jocky & aRCe had made things twice as bad having scored 10 a-piece and put the Almonds 16 behind the Rams.
The quiz had worked its magic in getting everyone warmed up, another couple of handfuls of prizes had been distributed to 10 lucky winners of the prize draw, so with a special guest appearance by East 17 to sing ‘Stay Another Day’ (aka Exec 17, 4 guys from our Executive Pensions team who were recently runners up in our AXA Factor event for Children in Need – you may well have seen them on the telly!), which produced a lot of crowd participation and rather an abundance of unnecessary screaming from some groupies, we had well and truly got the party started!!
Back at Patchway RBL, Taffy & Orical had given the old skittles a bit of a go and continued to be butted along the wrong path by the Rams by a further 10 pins, leaving the Almonds 26 behind having put 17 & 19 respectively on the board.
Flushed with relief that the main part of my job was now done, and maybe also from employing a rather cunning concept for doling out the Cocktail – one drink for a guest, one for Jen! – I could sit back and enjoy the fruits of my labours, watching everyone have a good time. Our disco started with “All I want for Christmas Is You” and the assembled crowd singing along was just like listening to a choir of Angels… drunken, out of tune Angels, but you couldn’t fault the enthusiasm or passion!
Meanwhile Lodge & Compact were seeing what damage they could do on the alley – not a lot, judging by the 13 & 12 recorded for posterity. On the plus side, they did only drop 3 pins, the Almonds down by 29 at this point.
After a bit of dance floor exercise, I treated myself to a few gulps of fresh air to get my breath back and cool down, & to enjoy five minutes peace and quiet! Reminded that I was there to enjoy myself too, I returned to the melee & it was now dancing all the way, enduring where unavoidable the alcohol induced apologies from my male Social Chumps & thanks from people who don’t normally even speak to me (they obviously worship from afar, too intimidated by my beauty & charisma to so much as say hello when at work), who found it impossible to portray their remorse for being AWOL for the setting up, or gratitude for having a good time, without having their arms & hands in contact with my person or planting uninvited kisses – it’s a wonder I didn’t suffer RSI in my neck from twizzling my head so that those landed harmlessly on my cheek!! Saucy little buggers.
Oblivious to this assault, Hammer & Sparky were busy dropping a further 5 pins to put the Almonds 34 in arrears after scoring 19 & 25.
My last organisational stint of the evening was the Crimbo Limbo. Back by popular demand following a successful appearance at the Summer BBQ, decorated with lights and tinsel instead of leis & parrots!, we had boys v girls limbo this time round – and with so many taking part it felt like it went on forever! The girls accepted defeat graciously when they fell, ducked, or knocked the pole off, but the guys seemed to think it didn’t count when they did any of those things – and one in particular kept resurfacing like Dopey with Snow White until he crashed into the disco station and got persuaded by his mates that maybe he should give up… We eventually had 2 clear winners whose flexibility was awe inspiring, got the hook out to clear the floor of the boys who couldn’t grasp the concept of “it’s over”, stored the dismantled limbo equipment out of sight following some worryingly lewd displays of pole-dancing prowess and freed the floor for some more dancing of the disco variety!
By now, Craptain & Chuckle 1 were trying equally as hard to salvage some class – Craptain saw his average drop surely having only scored 20 again this week?, whilst C1 was inspired and romped home with a hat-trick of top score, 30+ & a stroke of the Pussy. Sadly, this still meant the Almonds lost to the Legion Rams by 27.
Whilst the Almonds slinked off home with their tails between their legs, Wiggle partied on to the bewitching hour. Having Cha Cha Slid & Macarena’d, I scarpered quick as you please when ‘oops upside your head’ was announced… but apparently non-participation was not an option for Yours Truly. I regretted being dragged into it the instant my bottom & hands hit the floor & discovered it was wet & sticky, (the floor, that is, not my bottom). The lads enjoyed the fact my dress rode up over my stocking tops much more than I did, and I bet they didn’t care that the silly b**** behind me who chose to wear diamonte sandals snagged them to death either! Trying to maintain as much dignity as possible whilst scrambling to my feet, & trying to avoid the uppers of my beautiful new shoes coming into contact with the disgusting substance on the floor, the only positive I could think of was that I’d been a “good sport”.
Our DJ wound up the evening by playing us out with a few Christmas songs & mercifully no smoochy stuff, & having raised our voices to “I wish it could be Christmas everyday” & “Fairytale of New York” – the loudest sung line of which was “you scumbag, you maggot, you cheap lousy faggot”, very festive!! – my 100 or so disciples mooched off home and left Debbie and I to gather up the salvageable bits of Christmas décor before heading home ourselves: tired; feet stinging like *ery; but happy and basking in success! The Almonds next match is at home on Tuesday 12/12 against the Filton Nomads.
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