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Long, long ago in a land far away… well, not that far away, but apologies for the lateness of the latest Match Report – it’s taken me a while to get over the shock of Orical scoring more than me… Only aRCe could turn the shame of forgetting to turn up for 3 weeks on the trot into a triumph: insisting on playing first whilst he could still remember why he was there, he entertained the troops – gathered to play on our home alley last Tuesday 28/11 against the Bohemians – with his tale of playing the alternative sport of Bingo with the old biddies at Filton Ex Services Club, no doubt looking for a Mary Lovelace substitute. Craptain’s capitulation with this request was quickly turned into being his own idea when he announced that he’d decided to shake things up a bit by trying out a new formation – aRCe being played with Lodge first pair. This brought out the nurturing side in aRCe, who developed Craptain’s own suggestion of Lodge using his other arm after a second duck into brilliance, by telling Lodge to use somebody else’s arm if need be. Sadly this profound advice had little effect, and with aRCe barely remembering how to play the game and therefore only scoring 16, and Lodge struggling into double figures with 10, we were 8 down on the game when they’d finished.
MiniDisc & Turk were next up for slaughter. I don’t know if George was having a bad hair day, trying to avoid being recognised or just protecting his sensitive eyes by keeping the glare from the repaired light out of them, but he kept his hat on to open his innings. I was a little distracted from their efforts by the bigger boys congregating to whisper (undoubtedly rude) jokes to one another behind me, but they did all right between them. MiniDisc put 18 up on the board and Turk just missed out on a star in the 30+ column with his 29. They righted the wrongs in the scoring so that we were back all even on the game, and now Craptain chose to play me with Jocky. We bowed out to resounding cheers of “well played the pair” and plentiful applause having put us a colossal 4 pins in front after scoring 24 & 18 respectively. Hammer managed to keep his trap shut, which was also a colossal effort, but Chuckle 1 couldn’t resist p***ing on my parade by proclaiming loudly that my last ball was a good ‘bad’ ball, just because it didn’t hit the pin he thought I was aiming at… how very dare he.
Next up were Compact & Orical. Just to reassure Orical that there would be no hard feelings if he scored more than me, I called out encouragingly that he only had 24 to beat. I think he appreciated it. He had a little trouble with his balls, one dropped to the floor by accident – which woke everyone up – but he seemed to quite like it so he dropped the second one on purpose. Thankfully the Bohemians were trying to remember the words to their Rhapsody at the time, so they let it go… Compact didn’t enjoy a very inspiring set of ups and was quite happy to forego his bit of this report being written in bold capitals! Enjoying diversity, he might appreciate having it pointed out that he was again responsible for turning the game around – this time for the worst. Despite relatively high scoring – for Almonds! – Compact’s 17 & Orical’s 28 (Bar Steward) saw our lead collapse like an over-dunked biscuit. Now 9 behind, our hopes rested on Hammer & Sparky to spoon us out of the dregs. I’m not sure if Orical’s offer of “anyone want to sample my nuts”, and the ensuing variations on that theme, inspired our players or not, but they did all right for a couple of Old Boys, PULLING BACK A MA-HOO-SIVE 21 PINS to see us 12 in front. There seemed to be some discrepancy between ‘skill’ and ‘fluke’ afterwards – Chuckle 1 at work again trying to undermine other’s efforts I suspect. Although he did get 28 in the end, Hammer’s journey wasn’t all plain sailing – having put 2 balls straight through on one up, by his own admission he didn’t have much interest in his last one (I’m amazed he held out that long), but he hit 2. I thought Tim made a very salient point when he asked if Hammer could not have any interest in his first ball next time – I think it is so lovely how we all help one another with helpful pointers like that. Sparky took Top Score honours and he surely must have gotten to stroke Pussy with 31? He’s usually so vocal about it though, and there's no note...
Our ‘ankers Craptain & T’Chuckle were unable to improve upon our position in the game, but at least held onto our 12 pin lead. Craptain had to be content with 18 and started planning his next trip away to protect his average from further erosion. He was also the recipient of beneficial advice, being told never to switch from going for the right quarter (with his 2nd ball) to the left (with his 3rd) when he missed both. There was a bit of an awkward moment when he said he hadn’t switched and was still aiming for the right one, but seeing as we won he was willing to let it lie. Chuckle 1 played like a girl and got 24. I refrained from asking if he’d hit all the pins he’d aimed for…
Our next match is Friday 8th December – that’s tomorrow, so somebody tell aRCe quick! It takes place at Patchway RBL Social Club against the Legion Rams. I won’t be with you I’m sorry to say (she lied), as I shall be bathing in the glory of my Christmas party: 140 bodies to fill with alcohol (what were the quantities CD? – 1 part vodka, 1 part Archers & 4 parts juice?! I bet I get complaints of stinting on the alcohol this time round!!), food & festive fun. Keep your mobiles at the ready; I’ll be cheating during the quiz!! If it all goes horribly wrong I’ll do a runner and be available for a late booking, but you’ll have to excuse the attire – do you think I’ll stand out too much like a sore thumb in my red Santa Hostess get up & stilettos? I’ll take the latter off to play obviously, and the stockings just in case anyone is offended by the sight of suspenders and lace tops.... Good Luck, I’ll be thinking of you!!
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