The excitement of the game at home on Tuesday never came remotely close to entertaining aRCe, Hammer & Sparky in quite the same way that Mary Trymside did.  I have no idea what amused them to the degree that they turned into giggling schoolboys, but I don’t think “do you want it with or without” was referring to sugar in a cup of tea.  At least they were enterprising enough to make their own amusement, it was just unfortunate it was at the expense of the Almonds, as by the time they’d finished there wasn’t much to laugh about with the match itself.

It all started out quite well, even though Craptain was AWOL again and we were under the tutelage of Vice Craptain Compact.  It was a joy to be back amongst the happy Band of Brothers; I’d missed the banter, the skittling tips designed to help you improve your game; “try throwing it down the middle ”; the supportive atmosphere in which we play, “it’s your gob that’s putting the pressure on, not the opposition”, “when are you going to start playing?” and “get off”; and priceless pronouncements that make you smile, such as “we’re starting to pick up the pace of the League now – it takes a few weeks to get into it”.

With the light at the end of the alley out and defective, despite several enthusiastic attempts to fix it, (how many Almonds does it take to change a strip light?  9 – 2 to do the performance, 7 to laugh, whoop and cheer them on) skittles was more of a stab in the dark than usual.  Compact chose to put Minidisk & Wiggle on first, a wise decision and the best move he made all night.  Minidisk got off to a blinding start and was on 20 halfway through his ups, whereupon old age and treachery overcame youth and enthusiasm when Compact voiced what everyone else was thinking – the chance of MD hitting a 40 if he carried on with the good work.  Needless to say, 2 Douglas Ducks followed which put MD in a much less positive frame of mind & provoked bad blood between Father & Son, but it was all water off a duck’s back to Compact.  MD rallied on his last to knock the pins for 6 and finished on 26, and although this didn’t earn him quite the same glory as a 40 would have, he did take the crown for top score this week.  Sorry, I’ve spoiled the suspense now – it was all downhill from there!!

As Minidisk’s young ego was suffering enough, I reined in my own performance and with the support of my fellow Almonds, who made so much noise following my comment of it being too quiet whilst I played that I couldn’t think straight let alone throw straight, I threw a duck (which also saved me from having to stroke my own Pussy in front of everyone) and scored just enough on my own last up to leave MD with a little dignity by sitting 1 pin behind him on 25.  Hammer’s insinuations that I let the side down because I didn’t get a 32 just emphasised his ignorance of the female psyche, and this from the ‘Anker who barely got into double figures…. at least I didn’t throw the game away, and our first pair efforts saw us 18 up at the start, with all the groundwork done for laying down a win.    

Hammer could learn a thing or two from our Old Pro Sparky, who pointed out much more appropriate things, like reminding the peRV’s amongst us about alley etiquette, when The Cock-aknee strolled in late and made his way to the fold without any regard for the Trymsider preparing to play on the alley.  Jockey & Orical were tasked with increasing our lead, but they chose to squander 6 pins instead to leave us just a dozen in front after their 19 & 22 were added to the cook pot.  Welshboy No.2 was now chosen to be paired with Barnesy Junior for the third round of ups.  To the casual observer Taffy’s body language could have been interpreted as a little too laid back for comfort, bringing to mind Rhett Butler’s callous dismissal of Scarlet with “I don’t give a damn”, but he did enough work with Junior’s help to hold the Almonds at 12 up after his 17 & BJ’s 24 got racked up.

Next up we had the Dynamic Duo themselves, peRV & Compact.  There was no spark ignited in their play at being in direct competition with one another this time round, perhaps diffused by the disturbing knowledge that Orical had been studying peRV’s technique so closely the previous week that we are all now aware he sticks his tongue out when he balls….  I am going to assume ‘tongue’ is not being used as a euphemism here and we are talking about skittles.  PeRV scored 18, Compact 17, and whilst not inspiring, they did pull back 5 pins on the pair to put us 17 in front again.  After Compact’s 3^rd duck of the evening there was some musing over whether there might be a repeat of the Night of the Six Ducks, provoking conversation around how nice Slimbridge is at this time of year.  It was difficult to determine whether the team were delighted or dismayed when Compact managed to overcome his run of bad balls, but as they exercised the restraint of lions at a 3 legged zebra convention at the thought of duck fest, I’d say the latter was probably true! 

Running out of options, Compact put aRCe & Sparky on next.  To set the scene it seems prudent to mention that so keyed up was aRCe for the game that evening, that he had forgotten we were playing and fallen asleep until Compact gave him a wake up call.  And then the filth started, impairing aRCe’s performance & taking the edge off Sparky’s…  they started with a flourish, provoking the Almonds into noisy support as it looked more and more like the game was in the bag, but they quailed as Mary & her partner wiped the floor with the pair of them.  And Sparky’s excuse for dropping 21 pins against Trymside?  That they were playing against ‘celebrities’.  aRCe’s 14 & Sparky’s 24 lost us our lead so that as our ‘Ankers took to the alley we found ourselves 4 in arrears.

Having left us to our own devices for the rest of the evening, our Craptain turned up just in time to play ‘Anker, no doubt hoping to be seen as our Knight in Shining Armour.  Stuffing his face with “heart attack in a bag” Pork Scratchings to look hard, and possibly feeling the need to reaffirm his authority, he started trying to sort out the light issue and wax lyrical about still being able to win the game.  He was told in no uncertain terms not to turn up late and start throwing his weight about, and sympathy for the drop in his average after he only hit 20 was lukewarm too – convinced his recent absences are nothing to do with ‘pressures of work’ and all to do with protecting his average, “what a pisser”, uttered in a sarcastic tone that had been brewed to perfection, summed up the height, or lack of it, of his pedestal quite nicely!

With Craptain serving up ducks and worrying about his average, Jockey was warning the 2 Johns not to rile him further, reminding them that he has been known to kick chairs…  Hammer had gone very quiet now, his 12 matching the number of pins we eventually lost by.  It was worth him turning up though just to get the best quote of the night in answer to the question “Why would you want to log onto the Almonds’ website if you were on holiday in Gran Canaria”? 

Our next battle takes place Wednesday 15/11 at Patchway Sports & Social Club against the Artists – can we all maintain some dignity and not start offering to pose naked for them please?