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MR - 3rd October - Woodlouse or Wood? |
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Variety is the spice of life and it would seem that the Almonds require a hefty dose to pep them all up. Playing on our home alley again last Tuesday, 3/10, meant that we repeated all the mistakes of the previous week – a rough start followed by a rallying finish, only sadly not enough to win! I recall someone saying we need a different venue to keep our interest at pique… shame then that we’ll be playing the same alley again 3rd week running on 12/10 when we start our journey in the Knock Out Cup. We had all the right elements – the balls, the bodies, the beer, the bluster: so what went wrong? Craptain wasn’t there for starters, he was allegedly in Leeds at a Take That comeback tour, and we were at the mercy of Compact’s whims. I’d heeded our Craptain’s advice and worn trainers, and was told in no uncertain terms by our VC that I would need them for running if I dared get a duck. So intimidated was I by this particular threat I only got 3 ducks instead of 4 this week… Compact put me on to play first (thought I might die of not surprise) with Taffy, who drew attention to himself at just the wrong moment. I wasn’t proud to get a duck, but when I pointed out I’d at least scored a ‘superior’ one it cut no ice with Compact, who pronounced it ‘crap’. He might want to take note that some people respond better to encouragement and reassurance. Suitably crushed, I strived to do better by imagining I was bowling Compact’s head towards a ring of burning fire, and whilst I had some success, my 14 wasn’t the magnificent contribution I had aimed for. It wasn’t only Compact bugging me either - I was impeded by a woodlouse on the alley: I had to fight down nausea at the thought of that nasty crunchy sound if my ball squished the life out of its tiny body and sent it to eternity… obviously my sub-conscious ensured my aim was off to avoid this scenario. Taffy endured similar skittling torture to finish on 16, Orical joining in the ‘tough love’ style of coaching by snarling “get a grip – try to look a bit more professional” when Taffy put 2 balls through and yet another duck was on the cards. On a positive note, we weren’t as many down after the first pair’s efforts as last week – only 24! Compact put Turk on with peRV next, but a fat lot of good that did. Turk, recovered from last week’s excesses supposedly, didn’t do himself any favours by pointing out that his score was nearly as bad as mine last week after effing and blinding his way to 9 – at least I bettered myself! peRV doubled those efforts to finish on 18 and this put us a further 21 pins behind, so that we were trailing by 45. Compact now decides it’s time for him to play with aRCe…. disturbed by this turn of events I am sure, aRCe was only able to add 6 to the board, and whilst it wasn’t in quite the same league as Reg’s Craptain’s innings, Compact didn’t completely disgrace himself by hitting a quarter century. He didn’t start out very inspiringly, and as his first ball skimmed a hair’s breadth from the front pin Sparky mused that Reg would have hit it… peRV took time out from fostering a woodlouse that Barnesy had taken an unhealthy interest in to offer our VC some more positive encouragement by bellowing “come on Skipper, take us to the promised land”, and this obviously filled Compact’s head with grand ideas because he then starts claiming to have turned the game around having pulled back a mere 2 pins – the teensiest bit presumptuous maybe?? 43 down, Compact then put his faith in Lodge & Orical. It was a bit misplaced. To tell you the truth, I was losing my focus on the game by now, and it was more interesting to hear about how Chantelle had served Mel B in Miss Selfridge earlier that evening; how many days it was to Boxing Day, when Christmas would all be over – 83; plus the arrival of a Mars Bar for me to consume was very exciting. The Old Timers were reminiscing over when the Almonds were a force to be reckoned with, as opposed to now when word has gotten around the opposing teams that they only need play their wives these days to beat the Almonds…. Our morale is in dire need of reconditioning – it’s really getting bad when our sticker up, Adam (standing in for Robyn this week at short notice as she was poorly – hope you are feeling OK now Robyn!) was offered refuge amongst our ranks when a Stoker threw a wild ball and his safety was impinged, only for one of our own to say “he doesn’t want to stand with a bunch of losers”! Maybe Sparky is on a backhander from the other teams in Division 3, because has anyone else noticed how most of the comments that serve to undermine our confidence stem from him? Anyway, Lodge hit 20, Orical kept it friendly by scoring 2 less than me with 12 and with a half century of pins to pull back, VC put Hammer & Sparky on the alley. Although both managed to pull pins, their arsenals were light considering they are supposed to be 2 of our ‘Big Guns’. With Hammer’s 22 keeping things even with the Stokers’ scores, Sparky’s 18 were all profit so that we were now 32 down as Jockey & Chuckle1 were given the task of bringing us home in victory. And they only darn near went and done it!! Things got a little tense as our ‘ankers slowly but surely made progress, drawing us all in to the belief that we could pull off another last minute coup…. Jocky chalked up 20 and Chuckle1 held his nerve to the last to earn himself top score with 38 and a stroke of the pussy! These heroic efforts weren’t quite enough to snatch victory, leaving us 9 pins shy, and keeps Reg’s place as our Craptain safe for the time being! Our next game is the Knock Out Cup match on our home alley on Thursday 12/10 – 8pm kick off, but I’m afraid I don’t know who our opponents are… if you want to find out, you’ll have to be there!
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