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The Welsh Boyos were keen as mustard for the game on Tuesday against the Odds & Sods, turning up well before anyone else – it would be nice to think they couldn’t wait to see us all, but probably had more to do with the food that was going to be on offer for our last home game of this season! Thanks to everyone for their contributions – we had a veritable feast that set the party atmosphere for the rest of the evening, which was lively to say the least!, and hopefully a good night was had by all – Orical certainly enjoyed his...
For a few desperate moments it looked like The Almonds were going to be led into battle by our very own Vice Craptain Ducklas once again, but Craptain Reg strode in just as the Bugler sounded the charge! This didn’t stop Compact trying to impose his will on the running order, but either because or in spite of this power of suggestion, Craptain partially succumbed and put Wiggle on first with Taffy. Just my luck then to be playing opposite the O&S’s top scorer, who took the p*ss by hitting a 9 to finish to secure himself a 35 – bloody show off. I did manage to salvage a 24 for myself, despite dropping my second ball on my own foot...
I think it was Compact’s fault. No, seriously – because I’m not used to someone calling out “are my balls warm and shiny enough for you” when I’m on the alley. The first ball I sent on its merry way was a perfect hit to the front pin, but after Compact’s words of encouragement I couldn’t get rid of the 2nd ball fast enough and hence dropped it on my poor foot – it’s probably the fastest I’ve ever spun one down the alley, so it was a shame it headed straight into the gully and hurtled towards its useless doom… I wish I could say I redeemed myself with the 3rd ball, but just to add to my shame I sent it to the same fate, albeit by a different gully and minus the foot fault!
It’s not that I don’t appreciate Compact’s war effort, but contemplating which comes first, the warming or the shining, or whether one happens as a result of the other, was just too much to absorb at such a key point in my bowling prep. Anyhoo, although I dropped 11 pins to my Odd, Taffy pulled 6 on his Sod with 21 and therefore we were only trailing by 5 after the first up.
Craptain played his Exocets next, and for once they didn’t disappoint! Compact had a bit of a wobble when he produced a trademark duck, and provided a bit of comedy on his route to scoring 29 by taking out 6 pins off the quarter on his first ball, leaving himself the front and 2 others to hit... we all thought he was on his way to an Archie, but he took out all 3 pins cleanly with his 2nd ball, leaving us to witness a small farce as the 2 peRVlets fought to understand the shouted instructions for repositioning the same 3 pins for Compacts 3rd ball – the cry of “it’s a waste of time, he won’t hit them anyway” after several false attempts proved to be an accurate prophecy, but it was still fun to watch! Robyn would have been more efficient, but we wouldn’t have laughed so hard, so long!!
And as for Orical… well, the man was either on heavy drugs, or had a secret assignation earlier in the day that inspired him After weeks in the wilderness he fired up enough ammunition to nab himself a tick in all the right boxes on the averages and a 34 to his credit – this may not be enough to make him much headway up the chart, but it didn’t dampen his spirits any, just provoked an outrageous number of raucous one-liners, most of which are too colourful to be recorded here!! Our Top Guns earned themselves a WPTP having pulled a stonking 30 pins on the game, and also have to be accredited with turning the game around! Now a healthy 25 pins in the lead, Craptain confidently put Jocky and Young Gun Turk on together.
And just to keep the Almonds on their toes, they took our lead, threw it to the ground, spat on it... and left us just 6 pins up when they’d finished messing about. Jocky put in the same steady performance as t’other Welsh Boyo – they’d obviously made a pact to bow out of this season in a calm and pleasant manner, neither being available for our last game a week Friday – and finished with 22. Turk – well, what can I say? He summed it all up quite well himself really with his own medley of oaths, which I’ve tried to make more palatable below:
“For fcuk’s sake”, said Jake
As he failed to throw straight
And connect the balls with their target
It’s “fcuking shite”, all right
When you get so uptight
That you then try to play out of turn
It’s “frickin’” so sicknin’,
To only get six in
Whilst displaying the old Playboy boxers
Whilst I’m sure Turk would have preferred to display greater prowess with Sophie looking on, he endured such helpful instructions as “aim for the middle, you might hit the quarter then” with a few more under the breath muttered expletives and left as soon as was polite to cut and run, happily paying his subs before doing so this week, lest we think he was being churlish – this clever ploy does not disguise the fact he still hasn’t stumped up subs for last week yet!!
With the shadow of a wobbly smile still around his mush, Craptain put peRV on with aRCe as his rear gunner… It was my dearest wish that peRV scored no more than 17, but the bar steward managed to swindle a 7 out of his last up to put a 22 on the score sheet. So sickeningly pleased with himself was he that he gave himself the clap, so loudly and for so long that Orical was forced into pointing out that it wasn’t the done thing to self-congratulate – not quite so sure about how comradely it was to also call him an aRCehole, but maybe Orical meant well... aRCe was unusually quiet I thought, although his cock reared its ugly head again so he obviously enjoyed the attention that garnered last week! His score of 17 helped pull back 9 pins to leave us a comfortable 15 in front as Lodge & Sparky took their turn on the alley.
Lodge, either in solidarity to his fallen brethren or because he got over excited about the prospect of whupping Turk’s ass and bottled it, scored a modest 12 this week, which still managed to pull 3 pins on his Odd. He failed to get worked up about this in any way, shape or form, provoking the suggestion that he should have “am I bovvered?” printed on the back of his team shirt. He wasn’t bothered about that either, but when Sparky asked if that was the team shirt he hasn’t paid for, Lodge was shaken out of his apathy long enough to appeal that he had, in fact, paid for half of it – presumably wanting the back half for the printing purposes of...
Sparky enjoyed a few little jousts throughout the evening, getting little stabs in here and there, not least when he got 3rd highest score of 28, which puts him in robbing distance of Conspiracy Pete’s strangle-hold on the averages! You could just about see the gleaming cup reflected in his shiny little eyes!! 24 pins were added to our advantage over the Odds & Sods, putting us a comfortable 39 in front as Craptain played himself & Chuckle 1 as ‘ankers.
As mentioned before, I can’t really regale you with a lot of the banter that was taking place as a backdrop to the game, because a lot of the content was of a highly dubious nature… most of it, sadly but not surprisingly, originating with Orical. I specifically would prefer to forget the whole ugly Venetian Blind scenario & assorted smut. I can share with you that Leroy Bowers refuted the suggestions that Delilah Bowers was absent because a) he ‘worked her too hard’ on vacation, b) her newly acquired dreadlocks had an adverse reaction to our climate so that she couldn’t do a thing with them, c) she incurred a hamstring injury whilst trying to assume the savagely unattainable position Leroy Bowers demanded of her whilst under the influence of ganja.
Mrs Craptain, aka EN&T, didn’t escape the attentions of the rabble even though she was ‘rested’ from the game itself. She took charge of the scorebook, endearing her to both Craptain & C1, and delighted the men with talk of “running around later to make things hard for Reg” – they were all looking forward to that, but hadn’t appreciated she was saving that little gem for his eyes only.
Craptain enjoyed mixed fortunes on the alley, blending ducks seamlessly with spares! I’m not sure that Orical chose the perfect moment to shout that there was a bloke outside with Reg’s dog – and neither am I sure whether this inferred that Reg was blind or should Orical let the dog in to retrieve all the dead ducks on the alley… However, Craptain scored a respectable 18, pulling pins on his Odd, whilst Leroy, much to Sparky’s glee, only chalked up 20, enough to pull us a further 8 pins on the game to give us a win by 47 pins!
I am not good at Math, the first to admit it, but even to my clueless ears the theory about teams dropping out and us staying in Division 2 sounded well dodgy. So, one fixture left to play & win on Friday 28th April – this will be at Patchway Sports & Social against Proinn. Sadly, Taffy & Jocky won’t be with us for that – we’ll try to go out on a high Boyos!!
The woman behind the bar was probably despairing of us ever leaving by now – I let her know when we arrived that we had a picnic going on but would make sure we cleared up after ourselves and she challenged me with getting the game over and everyone out as early as possible because after 19 years she was on a promise! I struggled with this concept a little less than the rest of the team, who apart from asking if they could watch, proceeded to make as many jokes about dogs as they could – Orical musing over it reminding him to renew his subscription to the RSPCA & Compact being reminded of the RSPCA slogan that dogs are not just for Christmas – but at least with the courtesy of not doing so within her hearing, which for them was very sensitive. Women can’t all be amazingly gorgeous like me you know...
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