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"I was actually thinking that you need to be on in the higher order to get better scores. They are putting you on first and you are not getting the scores you deserve. I am just looking after your interests. As I have been asked to be Craptain for a couple of hours I think my method should be tried out and respected". Excuse No. 33 for the ill treatment of Jen - Chris Douglas, St. Teresa's Club, for Bullshitters at all times.
And so beginneth this week's lesson... unfortunately, rather than a plan of action designed to give me the best possible chance to play well, it was a dastardly cover up of the fact that Slimbridge chose to play Lodge in favour of myself, callously striking my name from the board as quickly as the real Craptain did 2 weeks previously... although on this occasion I was at least given a second chance when it was obvious no-one else was going to turn up to take my place.
Monday's game against the Bohemians caused great excitment amongst the boys because of the addition of a TV screen & CCTV camera, all the better to view the pin end of the alley and keep an eye on the action, or lack of it. And now, of course, The Boys want one... I thought we already did, they disappear with alarming regularity to watch football on it! What with the mirror already in place at St. T's to check out people's butt action, there was no escaping being the focus of attention during play! JL's concern over who had control of the remote if it wasn't him ate away at his nerves all night, so that his 'anker performance was not what we were all hoping for.... but let's start at the beginning.
There was some consternation to start with over peRV not having balls... but it turned out he'd just forgotten to take them home with him the week before, so it was relief all round when JL turned up with them safely nestled in their box... somone will have to get the hang of handling them until the Ball King supreme is back in action!! Danny & Jake had to cope with playing with the opposition's balls until the cavalry arrived, and it was probably coping with having to handle 2 sets that put Danny off his game this week - he scored 8 against Jake's 20, but this only left us 12 down after such a muddly start.
Slimbridge was put in charge due to our Craptain double booking himself, and boy did he love it!! Jockey and aRCe were 'carefully selected' to play next, and whilst they weren't a million miles away from their opponents' scores with 15 & 18, they still dropped a couple more pins to leave us 14 down as Jen & Tim got warmed up to play. But wait!, stike that - our virtual Craptain's 'favourite' turns up and all of a sudden Jen is back on the bench, pulled in favour of Lodge...
Joe, to be fair, played well and scored 22 to pull 8 pins back for The Almonds, but that is only because he got the benefit of the aura I was emanating where I was mentally and physically primed to play at that particular point in time - and we can do without any boyish reference to farting here thank you very much. Tim, I believe, suffered a little from being cruelly denied my partnership, but he overcame his disappointment enough to pull back a pin too, which made them this week's 'TURDs' and brought us back to only 5 down on the game.
By now Slimbridge had done his maths and realised he couldn't avoid playing Jen after all. The extra wait did nothing for my keen athlete's timing, and to add insult to injury I had to partner Mr. X himself - talk about the odds being stacked.... I appreciate aRCe thought he was being helpful in getting me to visualise 'Half Price Sale' tickets on the front pin, and the co-operation of the Team to 'face front' in a superbly synchronised movement each time I played was finely executed and ensured that I had the most fun possible!, but I am sorry to say these efforts to raise my game were to no avail because my confidence had been shaken by the virtual Craptain's sadistic toying of my psyche. I did manage to get double figures, however, so whilst I won't move far off the bottom of the averages with my 13 at least I beat my lowest score so far! Slimbridge broke the 20 barrier to end up with 21, but despite these heroic efforts we dropped 5 pins to put us an even 10 behind.
Real Craptain wrestled back control at this point, probably to ensure he got a game, because he put himself on next with peRV. And still the choice of pairings wasn't working, because they didn't inspire one another to greatness or glory! peRV got a second unlucky 13 and Reg knocked down a trio more to give him a not so sweet 16. A further 8 pins were lost, so all our hopes turned to 'ankers JL & PeB to finally pull off a win for us by pulling back at least 19!!
As reported earlier, JL was too unnerved by not having a remote in his hand whilst a TV was present to fully concentrate on the game, and he decided to curry favour with the Mrs and score 12 on his last up, rather than appease the baying hounds who were willing him to get more than the light of his life's 13... And last but not least, we had our 1 shining star to show us how it's done (and no, that is NOT a reference to the light glancing off the back of his head in the mirror...), with Pete making it look easy peasy with his score of 32. He deservedly got The Clap for this, but there was to be no accompanying "well played the pair" as 1 final pin was dropped, which meant we lost by 19 this week.
So, by losing by less pins the question is, are we getting better - or the opposition worse?! Maybe next match we will lose in single figures, yeah?
Next week's game is a Knockout one at the Ardagh Social Club, on Kellaway Avenue - if you don't know where it is, just ask Sue, she will be more than happy to repeat directions for the 20th time!!
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