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Modesty prevents me from reporting just how good I was on Tuesday 28/2, modesty and my rat-bag of a husband who thought it would be hilarious to match his return to form with my own best score of the season.
Three weeks ago top score was 26; I managed 17, Orical only 11. Two weeks ago top score was 25; I managed 20, Orical 16. Last week I managed to hit 29, with a duck, and was actually quite pleased with myself for 5 minutes, basking in the glory of not only turning the game around but possibly finally achieving that elusive mark in the averages to show I was capable of top score… any other week, and it would have been enough. But am I bitter, or twisted, or begrudging of my Beloved’s success? Well, yes, actually, and I’m none too happy with Chuckle 1 either – as Mr. Douglas would say, I have the right hump. My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump…
I would seriously reconsider the offer from the Bohemians at the Valentine’s match for me to sign on for their team, their assurance that they would know how to treat me sounding more appealing by the minute, if I didn’t know for sure that the whole bunch of them were wolves in sheep’s clothing… better the devils you know!
We lost to the Bohemians, incidentally, by 17: I scored another Big 8 that week; Compact had Nasturtiums cast on him and left early to get home to his Valentine & have them seen to; Orical returned to the fold by wearing his team shirt and felt very ‘special’ when he was chosen to partner the Craptain; Barnesy Junior was nominated in the ‘Best Dressed Skittler’ category of our non-existent awards, but didn’t drink nearly enough to score lots of pins; and Craptain came out with yet more ‘motivational’ talk when he remarked that peRV was “never going to hit” the last 3 pins standing – claiming it was actually ‘reverse psychology’ instead of soul destroying lack of faith.
We also lost to the Roundabouts on 23/2 by 25: the only things worth noting about that particular performance are peRV unsettling the team by forgetting to pick up the balls after the Bohemians game on our home alley and making us nervous about having to play with the oppositions’, which were much bigger and heavier than anyone was used to, and Chuckle 1s desperate attempt to swing the skittles match in our favour by throwing chairs onto the alley…
And so to last Tuesday’s fixture on our home alley against Family Affair – top score 31 (I was robbed…) and we won by 50, so how did it all happen?
Well, wha’ happened was… Craptain put Charley Farley & The Turk on first, which CF obviously hated and Jake didn’t mind too much, the former scoring 9 and the latter 23. This had us Legs Eleven down after the first pair, when Craptain made the best decision of his career so far and put Wiggle on to play with Taffy. I admit my start wasn’t brilliant, but you have to bear in mind that Compact was putting me off and I hadn’t managed to tune him out yet. Despite Craptain mistaking a 6 for a duck – another forced error induced by Compact, who was once again bragging about his Night of the Six Ducks – I put in a barnstorming performance to put 29 on the board, finishing up with one of my Big 8 specials! Taffy decided he could afford to have a night off from being brilliant and clocked up a 13, which meant we pulled back 21 pins on the game so that as Lodge & Compact took to the alley as 3rd pair the hard work was done, the game was already turned around… So jealous was CD of my success that he churlishly stopped anyone from recognising my 29 with a smattering of applause, and he threw in some bollocks about if you play a man’s game you play by a man’s rules, but even he and his delusional power trip couldn’t deny Taffy and I our “well played the pair”.
Lodge was only interested in getting as many pins as Turk, but at least he succeeded in that by putting a 2nd 23 on the board. Compact did his best I’m sure, but could only manage 19 – probably sulking over having the honours for game turning taken away from him. He and Lodge instead gave 8 pins back to the FA to leave us only 2 in front as Jocky & Sparky were given their chance to do some damage.
Sparky managed to jinx Jocky’s potential 30+ by telling him he’d invited fate into his game by starting with 2 7s… there is absolutely no truth in the rumour that I tried to sabotage Jocky’s turn by tripping him up on his way to the alley when he looked like eclipsing my 29, nor did I “look at him daggers” or stick pins in any part of his anatomy, particularly not his effigy. Yet again this is a classic case of Compact toy-ing with Jen’s psyche, imposing his own trashy standards. I would have been the first to congratulate him for getting a 30 – and it is a well known fact that smacking someone round the back of the head with a wooden pin is indeed the sincerest form of recognising success. Jocky’s 26 and Sparky’s 20 pulled us back 10 pins, and whilst Sparky may not have had his best game of the season, his warm up technique gave Barnesy a cheap thrill and fit of the vapours as it involved showing off his abdomen… this was obviously a private moment between the two, as there were no other witnesses.
Whether it was light-headedness at the sweet smell of a potential victory, or just the usual tripe our boys like to expound on, but there was a lot of sh1te being shovelled around… peRV was on about tailoring his game to the different alleys we play on – yeah, right; whatever - and there was a lengthy and in depth discussion about what makes us so crap: if it’s not the shirts it’s the pins, or the balls, or the Mrs., or the alley – no-one seemed to think it was how you throw the ball though. The only truth spoken was about Conspiracy Pete and his fiddling of the averages so that no matter what statistics he feeds into his computer, it says “NO” unless he comes out on top!
Anyway, peRV & Orical gave our ‘ankers a firm base from which to secure our victory by pulling 22 pins against their opponents, scoring 25 and 31 respectively. I was quite relieved that Orical finally had a good game because he makes my life a misery when he doesn’t. Well, to be fair, he just makes my life a misery… But retribution was mine because if he was expecting to get any after stealing my thunder, he was savagely disappointed.
And so our Craptain & Chuckle 1 played out the final exciting minutes of The Comeback Game. Reg must have felt so blessed to have Compact on hand to motivate & coach him through this nerve-wracking time: having not made the most blinding of starts after doing his back in on his first ball, Compact’s first words of encouragement to Reg were that he was going to get the right hump if after all the Team’s hard work he lost the game for us at the last hurdle! This, coupled with Compact’s continued drip-feed to The Almonds regarding Craptain’s ability to Captain, let alone play, served to wind Reg up enough to improve his game – giving Compact the opportunity to crow about how it “makes a difference when they listen”, implying that his coaching skills were actually serving a purpose… I don’t think Reg could have put any more sarcasm into the way he said “I will bear that in mind Chris” following one piece of advice too many.
I thought Barnesy’s attempts to put the opposition off by ordering a cup of coffee just so that she could rattle the spoon at the point of their ball ejection was bang out of order… but I suppose if she’s not allowed to play in the game itself she has to amuse herself somehow. Craptain eventually stepped in and took the toy away, fearful about finally winning but getting disqualified for foul play! Craptain finished up with 24, whilst Chuckle 1 made sure he took the shine off Orical’s inner glow with a 31.
And one last little interesting fact to share with you before I sign off: of all the theories and conjecture dreamed up of why we haven’t been winning – is it just a coincidence that last week’s match was the only one aRCe has missed?
Our next game is on Friday 10th March against West Sports at Patchway Sports & Social Club.
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