Match Report: 01.04.08 – Almonds v Patchwegians It was nice to see Hammer expanding his vocabulary as well as his football horizons on Tuesday, when we gathered for our match at our home alley against the Patchwegians on April Fool’s Day. How refreshing to hear him talking about a quality team for a change – I hadn’t kept abreast of the latest, so it was good to know that Bristol City won their last game, getting nearer their goal of being promoted to the Premiership. Talking about his betters, he struggled to find the words to express himself adequately, which produced quite a lot of exasperated huffing & puffing, as well as quite a bit of potty-mouth, as he got more frustrated at how best to do them justice – as he was going a bit purple in the face come the finish, his words coming out so strangled & high pitched I feared a pitch invasion of mosquitoes as they responded en masse to his call, we left the subject for another time when he has had chance to compose himself & prepare a speech befitting such a fantastic achievement. Craptain started the skittling part of the evening by announcing he was going for a slash - & for those of you who think I am being lewd, crude or vulgar, which would be completely against my nature, may I point out that this refers to the diagonal lines that divide the sub-total box on the scoreboard. That done, Lodge & Wiggle were chalked up to kick us off. Lodge made a good start, striking fear into the opposition & relief into the Almonds, but was unintentionally upstaged by Wiggle as she stood for her first up: she was beseeched by a Patchwegian to take pity on them because they were bottom of the League, & in a misguided attempt to pacify them – having been taken by surprise that they remotely thought she looked like a threat - by telling them they were OK simply because she’d been picked to play, his retort was to say they knew that wasn’t true because they’d seen her perform before… having allowed that comment to register for a perfect comedic moment, giving The Boys chance to gear themselves up, he followed up with his perfectly timed delivery of the punchline “& we’ve seen her play skittles”. Cue laughter… some people just don’t know the meaning of the word ‘discretion’. The Boys enjoyed the moment whilst Wiggle tried to recover composure & concentration, & return to a normal working temperature! So even whilst her skittles may not often be very inspiring, at least Wiggle serves a purpose by entertaining the troops on occasion. Lodge couldn’t quite keep his starting pace up but finished on a reasonable 17, whilst Wiggle followed up with a 15 – definitely NOT scoring a spawny 4 with 1 ball along the way, although the 3 dcuks were very unlucky. And apparently due to curvature of the balls, which she did not realise she was so good at… Having misunderstood the request to sort her curves out, Wiggle was on the verge of getting the Right Hump with The Boys about casting aspersions on her person – it is true she may have cultivated the pudding basin look a little too aggressively, but there was no need to be turning nasty about it – when someone explained it was the curve she was throwing she should sort out… how the frick am I supposed to do that when I don’t even know how I am achieving it in the first place?!! 12 pins down, AndyMan & Jocky were given the opportunity to make restitution. The Craptain’s pets did indeed pull back 9 pins on that deficit, AndyMan scoring a respectable 25 this week & Jocky being a real gentlemen & settling for 14 to give Wiggle a tiny bit of dignity back. Only 3 down, we headed up to half time with Compact & Taffy in the traps. When Compact missed with his first ball & took out the Quarter for 2, Hammer recognised his team-mate’s efforts by letting him know that it was probably one of the best balls he’d seen him throw this season. Thus encouraged, amongst occasional swearing & some blistering misses, Compact went on to smash his Home Average of 17 by scoring 20, holding his man with firmness all the way. Taffy, meanwhile, determined to prove he is even more of a gentleman than his fellow Welshman, didn’t make it to double figures, scoring only 9 on this occasion & dropping 15 pins to boot… but it’s a team game, & 18 pins down were we disheartened? NO!! aRCe was paired with Hammer & this potentially volatile fusion produced just the right amount of molecular intensity to drag us back in the right direction to try winning the game. Of course, it wasn’t so much down to skill, more the ‘lucky’ ball that we inadvertently acquired a couple of weeks ago by picking up the wrong ball at the end of our last home game! Whilst aRCe just got on with the job in hand quietly & with dignity, just doing the best job he could in the time available by scoring 21, having hit the front pin with his first ball whilst trying out the rogue one, Hammer was sold on its magical properties. It wasn’t the only prop he used, although snorting beer through the nose isn’t a recognised form of good luck charm… nor is it particularly attractive. But each to their own, whatever gets you through the game. Looking a little sluggish at times, Hammer nonetheless managed to hit 29, with which he proclaimed to be over the moon: in an effort to diffuse air that was now thick with Hammergance, Sparky was moved to remind MC “you don’t get a clap for 29 – not up here you don’t”! Undeterred, Hammer went ahead & gave himself the clap, feeling he deserved it for not getting a fcuking dcuk on his alley of doom – or at least I think that’s what he said… I don’t think he’s swapped beasts for fowl. Yet. aRCe’s sedate scoring of 21 complimented Hammer’s arrogance quite well I thought, & he even found time to think about Hammer’s holidays which prompted him to come out with some comment about the Jamaican Horse Mafia, which made me laugh like a drain at the time but has since lost significance because I can’t for the life of me remember the context it was used in! So, on with the game… & our 4th pair turned the game around by pulling us back 13 pins & putting us in prime position for sneaking into the lead if only our ‘anker warm-ups didn’t faff about. Chosen to pick up that particular gauntlet were Sparky & The Craptain. We were still one short at this point & with Barnesy offering to play, Craptain was spurred into ringing peRV to check he was going to make it in time, giving him chance to ask if he wouldn’t mind terribly getting a fcuking move on please. Barnesy didn’t feel downhearted for long, with the Captain of the opposition walking over to her & saying “I’ll come round the back love” she had the best offer she was going to get all night anyway! With The Boys busily discussing the combinations of how our 6 pairs could be played, Craptain got a bit defensive of his strategic skills, explaining that it takes him weeks working out who is played & when – so you see, you big load of ignoramuses, it isn’t the random mess of names it looks & he does think about it. I must admit, I was a bit surprised it takes him weeks… I was under the impression it was a few minutes over a packet of Pork Scratchings. But what do I know. Apparently not how to ball straight. Or hit the Quarters. Or, for that matter, the Front Pin very often. But I digress. Sparky & Craptain held the game together well, Sparky scoring a quarter century whilst Craptain had to settle for coming in behind Hammer  with 28: had he not missed that last pin on his 3rd up to take a 9, he could at least have taken equal top billing, but instead settled for kicking the chair that Compact helpfully held out for him to make himself feel better! By pulling 19 pins, this week’s Dynamic Duo put us 14 in the lead, & had Hammer getting all excited & wittering on about how “we always come good in the end”: typical man thinking about his own pleasures without a thought for those who haven’t had chance to come yet… peRV was quietly confident he could cope with being an ‘anker after a blindingly good start of 6 6 7, bolting down a gorgeous meal in 5 minutes flat looking well worth it at that point. Unfortunately for peRV his was to be the definitive game of two halves… Perhaps Barnesy drawing attention to his trainers being as dirty as the bottom of Chuckles’ lawn mower & being made to pick up the clumps of mud off the alley broke his concentration, but peRV threw a dcuk 4th up, prompting the Patchwegians to break into song with a rousing rendition of “We’re On Our Way To Wembley”. Not to be outdone, Chuckles, having scored 4 7 3 thus far, matched peRV’s dcuk to see what serenade he’d get, which was “We Only Sing When We’re Winning”! This bohemian rhapsody was followed up with “Goodnight Irene” when their own man dcuked it, & desperate to stop the cacophonic chorus The Boys retaliated with baying calls of “come on Rob” when peRV stood for his 5th up: ever resourceful, this encouragement was quickly adapted by The Boys to suit the situation & after a 2nd dcuk they seamlessly switched to “get off Rob”. Barnesy, thoroughly over-excited after having her neck breathed over from behind, got in on the act by singing “Just One Cornetto” when the opposition got a 1 in response to peRV’s 2nd dcuk. I’m not sure if we ran out of songs or the will to live after that, or just calmed down because it was dcik sucking time, but Chuckles finished with a 6 then a 7 to take his score to 26, whilst peRV went for the hat trick of dcuks to stick at 19. We won our game by that 19 pins, & peRV was able to go home feeling that it had been worth the indigestion & being a Team Player after all! Our next match is Friday 11th April against Greystoke at Southmead Community Association. As we have limited numbers for our next couple of matches, please let Craptain know ASAP if you are unable to make any of our last remaining 3 games.
|
Home 
Match Reports 
