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Match Report: Tuesday 18th March – Almonds v Trymside
Despite having a few Almonds AWOL for last Tuesday’s game at home against Trymside, Craptain was relaxed about his choice of team. Compact had apparently rung in his excuses & was deftly reassured we could manage without his 10. Turk & Barnesy Junior were also missing, but aRCe joined us at the 11th hour announcing proudly that his attack of the shits had abated, for which we were all mightily grateful – he would have joined us last week in spite of his ragingly liquid bowels but couldn’t find a pair of pampers big enough by all accounts. His ailment had transmogrified to deafness this week: not sure how the two are connected – I did ask but he didn't hear me. And so the game began with MiniDisk & AndyMan opening for the Almonds. MiniDisk was no doubt pondering the imponderable – how he was capable of scoring a flawless 8 in one set of ups but unable to hit any sort of bastard pin either side of that – & was also no doubt disappointed with the 15 he finished on, knowing how we do the competitiveness of a) men, & b) yoof. No 30s for AndyMan this week, who nonetheless kept up a steady stream of balls to put 22 on the board & take us into the lead by 3 pins.
It was just as well he left when he did, because AndyMan may not have liked the cavalier way Taffy & Lodge threw away our well-earned lead, & then some! By the time they had processed all 6 of their respective ups, Taffy hitting 16 & Lodge 10, we found ourselves in arrears by 22 – the game well & truly having been turned around! Some may have considered they should have been contrite, but our 2nd pair seemed to find it quite funny how readily they’d changed our fortunes, & inspired by this devil-may-care attitude Orical & Jocky chose to compound matters further by dropping another 16 pins during their 3rd pair innings.
Distracted by his preoccupation with whether Hammer had been doing some gardening or maybe even maintenance work after he’d turned up in his denim two-piece, Orical struggled to concentrate his mind on the game. Keen to reassure his team-mates he’d do better next week – showing arrogance quite frankly that Craptain would make the same mistake twice – after their rousing cheer of him scraping into double figures with 10, Orical let them know he was off to the Opticians later that week to get his vision sorted. This did serve to take their minds off his efforts this week, but maybe not in the way Orical would have liked – discussion turned to whether the opticians would actually be able to make a pair of lenses in the strength required… Jocky, whose buoyant mood following the Welsh rugby team’s latest win & triumph nothing could dent, ended the first half with the highest score, 24.
Now 38 down on the game, Craptain played Sparky & peRV. Wiggle was quite surprised not to be played by now, but whether this was due to her position in the averages – which moves me to question whether Conspiracy Pete has been inputting all the figures correctly because she is still 4th from the bottom in the averages, despite not playing for 4 weeks & therefore avoiding ruining her average scores any further, when she expected to be much higher because she is pretty sure she deserves it – or hedging his bets to see if aRCe turned up or not I know not. But I can hazard a pretty frickin good guess. Lying through his teeth about waiting for her hand cream to soak in, Craptain was unrepentant about his 4th pair choice & was rewarded with them pulling back 27 pins. Well, Sparky – on a mission to impress again this week, standing at 32 with his last up to go & narrowly missing a 40 – pulled back 27 pins after another fantastic score of 38 this week, whilst peRV did what he does best – held his man. Orical, for the sake of the team, wished peRV well as he stood to take his last bow, but on a personal level was secretly hoping he would dcuk it to take lowest score honours. After hitting wood to take his score to 13, peRV received a loudly delivered “well done” from Orical – & he very nearly almost meant it.
Whether in self imposed punishment or fatherly concern over a tiring sticker-up, peRV now took himself off (no lewd intent intended) to assist Dan. Taking full advantage of releasing some of the tension that had been building, The Boys took the opportunity to barrack peRV about his slowness at re-setting pins & delivering balls down the chute. His manners forgotten in the red mist of regret that followed his failed bid to improve his game by resurrecting the balls-round-the-back routine, raising it from the dead in honour of Easter possibly, peRV’s crude gestures & mouthed obscenities only served to add to the crowing mob’s delight as he prevailed upon them to go forth & multiply rather than offering up a simple no thank you to their offers to buy him a Coke or packet of crisps.
So back to a catchable deficit of 11, Craptain put the deaf-but-continent aRCe on with his own good self. Tensing his buttocks & sphincter tautly lest the pressure be too much for him, aRCe solidly battered his way to 27: the atmosphere became very tense as he took his final stance for his last set of ups. Knowing full well that if Compact had been present we’d have heard the Chris-of-death by now with aRCe already at 27, Craptain quelled any thought of uttering the mortal “on for a 30” with a savage glance at his assembled Almonds, & waited for aRCe to be brilliant. Instead he threw a dcuk & left our Craptain wishing he’d enjoyed winding him up after all. Abandoning his team shirt for civvies, a t-shirt bearing the legend “better a bad day on the water than a bad day in the office”, Craptain served up a ‘better an average Craptain’s innings than no Craptain’s innings at all’ score of 27, bringing us back to where we started – 3 up on the game!
After an hilarious attempt to wind Wiggle & Barnesy up by making out he was going to put them on ‘anker, Craptain chalked up Hammer & Chuckles to better secure a win. The Ladies nearly had the last laugh when Hammer kicked off with a couple of dcuks… it was obvious to those possessing a more highly developed sensitivity factor that he was a tad upset at this occurrence. Having spat out that he wished our home alley was anywhere but ASS, he then proceeded to out it as fatherless & impressed me by fitting the word fcuk into a sentence so many times.
Meanwhile Chuckles started off with a blistering 7, which might have been more had he not missed the Copper with his 3rd ball. Even his Lady Trymside oppo was moved to empathise with him, telling him it was a shame he’d missed because she could see he was aiming for that one. I’m not sure the sarcastic tone was quite in keeping with the sentiment, but fair play for pretending! His 2nd up didn’t induce quite so much roaring from The Boys, only taking 3 pins, but at least he’d reached double figures instead of double dcuks.
Waiting with avid anticipation to see what Hammer would serve up 3rd time round, it was only slightly disappointing when he took 3 out with his 1st ball. However, some enjoyment was to be had as his 2nd & 3rd found their Quarter mark accurately, but failed to take any company with them, which I understand to be the general idea… with the fcuks getting shriller & more exasperated, the 5 culminated in a small hissy fit whereby Hammer took himself & his beer to a quiet corner to snashem & frashem himself back to better humour. Chuckles inadvertently helped out here by getting a dcuk on his own 3rd up, prompting Barnesy to start messing about with his thighs in a blatant display of biased favour. Or maybe she was trying to put him off & help Hammer out… either way, no one offered to go anywhere near Hammer’s thighs. Having implored The Boys not to put Hammer off at such a cri-ical moment in the game by taking such great relish in his struggles, Chuckles deemed Hammer’s 7 on his 4th up spawny & retaliated with a 6 – although Barnesy & Wiggle conferred & concurred that they would have gone for the Quarter with the 2nd ball.
Hammer’s 5th up, when he scored 5 & his oppo a dcuk, prompted aRCe to tell The Boys they could officially start scuking, & a relaxed Chuckles equalled his partner’s score of 5. With a win all but inputted into the League table, we managed to stifle yawns & continue to watch as Hammer stepped up for his last up. Denied any further histrionics we did our best to look like we cared as Hammer took a spawny 5 with his 1st ball, finishing on 7 to take his score up to 25. Chuckles was more annoyed with himself that he’d let Hammer off the hook in the Averages than the fact he finished up on a dcuk, but even he couldn’t describe his offering as anything less than sh1t! His 21 meant that our ‘ankers increased our lead to a 22 pin win over Trymside, Barnesy enjoying the opportunity to gloat when farewell compliments from Trymside included a “see you next season” & she not very innocently responded “are you going up a Division as well then”?!
It has to be noted that Hammer owes 20p dcuk money to Pussy, because he was too arrogant to bring change as he didn’t think he’d get dcuks & too flash to have anything less than a £20 note in his wallet.
Also, it was quite curious that although he left before most of the rest of the team, Hammer was spied only just getting into his car quite some while later when Craptain, The Lesters & The Bowers walked out together – having taken the time to a) return all the glasses to the bar as instructed by the super notices from the ASS staff, & b) steal a few shamrock beer mats for Barnesy’s pupils to use as stencils (or so she said). Which is the lesser of two evils? That Hammer had been loitering in the toilets, or wandering around the field in the mistaken belief there were horses there?
We can discuss that at our next match on Tuesday 25th March, which takes place at Little Stoke Social Club against The Rangers.
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