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MATCH REPORT: Monday 10th March – Smelters v Almonds
Just as well I wasn’t expecting a triumphant return to the bosom of my Almond family after a month’s absence – thanks for all your well-wishes & concern during my confinement, I don’t know how I’d have made it through without your apathy – or I’d have been sorely disappointed… I made do with having my presence acknowledged & being hand-picked for the elite team who played the League leaders, Craptain employing every ounce of his strategic, sh1t-hot, cunning thinking to make something of the 12 players available for Monday’s game against the Smelters. With everything being pretty much as I left it – 2nd in the League, with barely any movement in the Averages, not even for me, which puts paid to the theory that absence makes your average stronger – Craptain put MiniDisk & AndyMan on first pair to open the battle for top place in the League table. Playing first when nothing’s quite warmed to a working temperature suits some better than others: MiniDisk struggled to destroy more than 15 pins, but AndyMan was on a mission & stormed his way to a thunderous 36, sneaking us into an early lead by 3 pins. Next up Craptain chalked Jocky & Wiggle on the board: although there may have been every appearance that the boys were glad to see Wiggle back – indiscernible to the naked eye, you had to be very astute to interpret the subtle nuances – after 2 ducks they must have been wishing she was still AWOL… although we didn’t exactly set the world alight with our performance, Jocky & I did just about manage to keep hold of our lead by 1 pin after scoring 20 & 19 respectively. I got the opposite of a ‘spawny’ shot when I actually hit the quarter but failed to take any hostages with it – there should be a word for that, other than sh1t luck – & seem to have perfected the art of putting the ball just either side of the front pin, but all in all I was happy to get into double figures & I think Jocky was with me on that one!
Compact & Orical were pitched as 3rd pair, & we got a very lucky break in that the Smelters’ couldn’t find any sort of inspiration in their order of play either. Compact, still enjoying his roller-coaster ride through the season, either smashed the pins to pieces or went wide of his mark to screech to a halt on 17. Orical, determined to get a mention in the MR with Wiggle back in hieroglyphic mode, entertained his peers by throwing a spectacular 2-ball Archie but otherwise gave them little to cheer about on his way to a neat dozen. With our meagre lead dwindled to nothing, half time saw us all even on the game & our Craptain choosing to put peRV & Hammer on in an attempt to claw back some ground.
peRV put in a steady stream of mostly accurate balls to get a score of 24 up on the board, using the opportunity to practise a particularly favoured shot along the way with no balls in the way to spoil the line! He did make me quite nervous when he sauntered over to pay his subs & crooned his pleasure of the stroke of pussy he’d earned in my ear, but I felt safe enough to uncross my legs once he’d had his fill of groping our Pussy box. Sparky thought that Hammer looked stiff whilst delivering his first ball, but it must have been the way he was stood – or maybe just having 11 pairs of eyes trained on his person – because all was loose & floppy with the delivery of his 2nd according to Sparky: quite why he was taking such a close interest in Hammer’s balling technique is probably best left un-probed. I had it on good authority that Hammer hasn’t performed well the past few weeks, so what were the odds of him ruining my night by scoring well just because I was back to witness his shoddy play? 5 to 1 probably… Anyway, Hammer scored 33, which pulled us 9 pins & put us that many in front as Sparky & Craptain limbered up for action.
Birthday Boy Sparky got off to a very shaky start with a dcuk, but feathers completely unruffled he went on to astound & amaze by equalling AndyMan’s 36, pulling a stonking 20 pins on his oppo in the process, with a veritable mixture of spectacular hits & misses, including an official spawny 7 when he took out those 7 with his last ball having missed with his 1st 2 – but we still took them!! Our Craptain, meanwhile, was doing a modest job of putting his own just-about respectable 22 pins down, & their efforts saw our lead increase to 23 as we looked to our ‘ankers to bring us home a win.
Spirits & male testosterone were flying high by now – had aRCe been there I am pretty sure there would have been talk of some sort of dcik sucking – but in a bid to sabotage a happy ending Barnesy Junior & Chuckle 1 were playing below par & kept the tension running high almost to the last ball. Whereas our last match against the Smelters saw them in the lead for most of the game, with us putting in a latch ditch attempt to steal victory from them as they faltered at the last post but not quite pulling it off, there was a role reversal this time around, with the Almonds securing their win despite a bit of 3-wheeled wagon wobbling on the last stretch, to even the score at one game all after BJ held his man with 16 & Chuckles only dropped 10 with his 19 to leave us victors by 13 unlucky-for-them pins.
So, we’ve taken the lead, but can we hold on to it? Craptain will be hoping his Almonds don’t desiccate his hopes at our next match on Tuesday 18th March against Trymside on our home alley.
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