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Correct me if I’m wrong, but I get the impression that some of the Almonds think I have an attitude problem when it comes to reporting about our skittles matches: I think you will find it is they who have a perception problem… anyway, to kick things off I have a positive spin for those members of the team who may be feeling a bit downy due to the surplus of ducks last week – rather than waste your talents, why not rent yourselves out as decoys for duck hunters?  There was a lot of talk about the Welsh rugby win at our home game on Tuesday, the Welshboyos making the most of their 20-year wait to gloat as much as possible. And why not, because there’s lovely for them, isn’t it? Sparky came out with the Welsh Boyos favourite reaction, when he walked in & said “I always said that Welsh team was the best”! Even Rhys, sticking up for us again this week, smiled his way through the repetitive task of replacing pins & returning balls down the shute.
MiniDisk & Jocky got the game underway, but despite relatively decent scoring with 25 & 21 respectively they were unable to hold the Patchwegians in check, dropping us a half dozen pins behind after the opening ups. aRCe & Turk were tasked with seeing if they could turn things around, & indeed they did. Needing to chip off early & therefore focussed on just getting his turn out of the way, aRCe – alongside uttering words of wisdom about not sucking one another’s dciks just yet following great jubilation that the Almonds lead Division 3 as of w/e 1/2 – excelled himself by putting our only 30 on the board, scoring 31 & snagging Top Score with it. Turk, on the other hand, had a bit more trouble finding the front pin, Compact offering the advice that his trouble was he wasn’t throwing the balls hard enough… & there was Jocky already wondering whether to approach the Treasurer to see if we had enough funds in the dcuk box to purchase full riot gear for Rhys! Turk did include a spawny 3 on his road to scoring 17 pins, taking those out with his last ball on his 4th up, pulling 4 pins on his oppo & helping take us into the lead by 10 pins as Taffy & Orical warmed up as 3rd pair.
For no apparent reason, Craptain replaced Wiggle on the board with Taffy… who promptly missed with his first ball. In defence of his comrade, Jocky pointed out that Taffy did have a bad leg – or at least that he would do when he came off the alley & got kicked!! Taffy redeemed himself by going on to score 27 in total, Orical keeping pace with him to score 25, & our 3rd pair’s efforts meant that at half time we’d pulled another 19 pins to put us a comfortable 29 in front.
Compact & peRV were next up. Compact started off quite well, but that was about it: Chuckle 1 was busy telling everyone that he thinks Compact has a mental problem, which I thought was a bit harsh – if stating the obvious – until he clarified against much merriment that he meant with his Positive Mental Attitude towards skittles. Allowances were made for the fact Compact had taken on responsibility for the Almonds during the earlier stages of the season – & I think it is fair to say that under his leadership the Almonds would have followed him anywhere, even if it was just out of morbid curiosity – but even so we all know he’s capable of scoring better than the 14 he managed to scrape together that night. Luckily peRV was on reasonable form, coming out with the lewd remark that “as soon as I came in my hand, I knew it was wrong”; & his skittles were OK too. Oh no, sorry, hang on a minute, that should have read, “as soon as it came out of my hand” obviously, because he was referring to losing his grip on his ball – tricky little fcuker shorthand can be! So, peRV scored 24, pulling 2 on his oppo, but taking into account the 1 Compact dropped our lead was adjusted to 28 in front.
 I thought Hammer was joining in with the rather peRVy remarks by announcing rather suddenly that he’s paid for it… but he was only making the point he’d been sporting enough to pay up his bet to Craptain. I’d been keeping a close eye on him because he was acting suspiciously near Pussy, fiddling about with her body & rummaging around in her box, before helping himself to £1 coins from the subs – it wouldn’t have surprised me if he’d been presumptuous enough to assume he would be selected to play & was jumping the gun by paying subs in advance with his fiver & taking change, but I am happy to report even he wasn’t that confident & was just getting change to pay his betting debts. What happened next was a joy to behold. Craptain put himself on at this point, & understandably chose to play Hammer alongside him, hoping no doubt to bask in any reflected glory another near-40 from MC might produce. Unfortunately for our Craptain he should have taken more notice of the omens abounding following the outcome of his bet with Hammer, who was willing to stake his life on it but settled for a quid, over the order of the top 3 teams’ points in the League: Orical pointed out that Hammer’s ‘photographic memory’ let him down due it only working in black & white, & Reg walked away the victor & £1 richer due to his own Technicolor vision. Hammer really should learn to keep his mouth shut… although quite honestly I don’t think any of us minds him talking, as long as he doesn’t mind us not listening.  Hammer is the sort of person who’d have been called a ‘shining wit’ by Dr Spooner – he was even complaining about getting away with paying half price to get into the football the previous weekend, following an apparently inadvertent entry into the stadium via the OAP turnstile when there were no questions asked over his validity, not even when he drew attention to himself by struggling to control his Zimmer through them. Anyway, the game. Craptain, whilst not exactly making the rafters ring, put in a steady performance to finish on 21, pulling 8 pins on his Patchwegian. As for Hammer, well he gave the impression he couldn’t hit sand if he fell off a camel with his prowess: he started with a dcuk, got a fantastic 1 on his 2nd up, then dcuked it again. 4th up he tried hard & managed a 5, but whether it was to keep things looking aesthetic on the board or just plain shite, he dcuked for the 3rd time on his 5th up before finishing with a 5 to bring his total to 11. He belligerently blamed his bad score on his shirt to start with, then claimed he’d have scored with his last ball had Orical not put him off by shouting out he was “on for a 12” at a critical moment. After that he had the audacity to make out it was all done on purpose to give the ‘ankers a challenge!! With Hammer dropping 17 pins, our pre ‘ankers left us 19 in front as Sparky & Chuckle 1 limbered up – well, put down their beer & cracked their knuckles anyway.  Unnerved by Hammer’s antics, Sparky’s balls were a little constricted. 3 dcuks in, Compact suggested he try throwing ‘Somerset Fashion’, whereby the participants straddle the balls to throw, but apart from arousing interest in watching a women’s team thus engaged it wasn’t a particularly helpful suggestion. C1 was of the opinion that we’d all fallen asleep watching Hammer & Sparky hadn’t woken up yet. Jocky brought him into focus though by asking if he’d brought enough money with him to pay for his dcuks, & even though he finished up on another 1 of those fcukers, Sparky managed to score more than Hammer in two ups by scoring 15 with a 7 & magnificent 8, with which he said he was happy because he’d beaten Compact – prompting Compact to note that Sparky really shouldn’t be happy just to beat Compact’s score by 1!  Knowing he could easily rub Hammer’s nose right in it, C1 eased off the pedal & sauntered to a finish of 29 this week, not escaping dcuk soup himself on his 4th up, eliciting the cry of “you spawny git” from Hammer when he followed that up with a 6 on his 5th! There were anxious moments throughout the final countdown when it looked like we might lose the game after all, but another win was secured by 28 pins in the end.
I am quite sure there will be more excited studying of League tables & Team averages at our next gathering, which will be Friday 15/2 at Filton & District Social Club (nee Filton Ex-Services, by the chip shop!) against the Filton Nomads, & in the words of Compact when he smoothes ruffled feathers following his often caustic comments, don’t forget that all reportings are done in the ‘best possible taste’! 
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