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Anyone tuning into this week’s Match Report hoping to be right royally entertained is going to be sorely disappointed… well, I suppose that could be said of any given week, to be honest, but pickings were particularly slim at last Tuesday’s match on our home alley against the Artists. It doesn’t help that I appear to have been – umm, what’s that word I want, when you do somebody else’s job for them… not delegated, or deputised… you know, when you help out just to be nice & end up with everyone (& by ‘everyone’ I mean men) assuming you’re happy to do the job for life? Oh yeah, I remember now – lumbered, that’s it, it doesn’t help that I appear to have been lumbered with completing the scorebook & collecting subs, which interferes savagely with me keeping an ear out for tasty treats.
The evening kicked off with consternation when we discovered we were sticker-up less after our deputy Abby was taken ill & couldn’t stand in for Dan after all; we had a revolting SavvyDisk at the suggestion she might like to take on the task, but she came through for the team without the merest threat of any allowance being stopped & got us through the first round of ups, ably assisted by the lovely Compact, after which Welsh reinforcements arrived in the form of Rhys, son of Jocky, & he did a sterling job for the rest of the evening considering it was his inauguration.
Setting down a very faint outline of the game we had AndyMan & Orical, playing the latter so early in the evening a slightly controversial move by Compact to shake things up a bit. It certainly seemed to shake our first pair up, particularly Orical, but not in a good way: AndyMan put 14 into the picture, whilst Orical balanced his score nicely with a 5 & 5 dcuks.
29 down on the game I didn’t mind being picked on at all to add a bit of sketching with Turk. Wiggle played brilliantly: to those with a scarcity of acuity it could have looked like she might not have appreciated the idea was to hit as many pins as possible after hitting the nice red one at the front, but they would be fools for not looking beyond the obvious & realising that there is actually a very great skill in making playing so badly look easy – Wiggle was understandably drained after sending so many balls fractionally off target to ensure minimum unpleasantness with his nibs, only doubling his score by finishing on 10.
Turk had a lot to live up to after last week’s heroic efforts, but unable to match such a steady assault this time round he had to take drastic action: on his 5th up he took out all 9 pins with his first ball, causing an eruption of excited man-celebrations! He took out another 5 pins with his 2nd ball, but to much mock derision sent the 3rd sailing through unhindered by such nuisances as wood! This tactical play secured our 2nd pair a WPTP, & pulling back 11 pins meant that they turned the game around for the team. In your face, Compact.
Now only 18 down The Welsh Boyos were chosen to add a bit of definition… the skittles still weren’t painting a very pretty picture, even Taffy getting so frustrated at times that he was reduced to swearing – if I have to write many more fcuks, French Connection are going to start charging me copyright fees! – but he & Jocky continued to stamp Almond authority on the game & pulled back a further 13 pins to put us only 5 in arrears at half time. With Jocky’s 21 & Taffy’s 29 drawn up in dysfunctional white chalk, it was time for Compact & aRCe to be unleashed & splash a bit of colour onto our developing skittles masterpiece.
Compact scorched his balls firing off salvos that resulted in only 18. Actually I shouldn’t use the word ‘only’, that’s unfair because 18 is actually quite a lot for Compact. He scored one of those ‘perfect’ dcuks where all 3 balls went down the same line just to the left of the front pin, but I didn’t get the impression he was best pleased with that particular trick! I feel a little nervous reporting about aRCe, not because of his skittle-play – he put a 27 on the board & helped pull another 17 pins to put us in front for the first time by 12 – but because of his fore-play, which apparently makes him an expert & enables him to give lessons in how to put rubber suits on – lots of talc helps, for those of you who forgot to make a mental note in the heady excitement of it all – & how to avoid said suits getting damaged by dogs’ nails… an over excited animal can rip holes if you’re not careful: I think aRCe was still talking about the dogs at this point, because he was explaining how he’d carried out his research whilst dog walking. What with that, all the horse bothering saga & talk this week of sucking their own dciks, I’m getting to be in need of a shower when I get home – not a cold one either, a steaming hot power one to cleanse myself of the filth I am subjected to!
With our picture now coming to life, Hammer & Craptain added a bit of shading to give depth. Showing perspicacity by keeping quieter than of late, Hammer got away with barely a mention of a horse but failed to take advantage of the averages by only scoring 26. Our Craptain held his man on 22, 6 pins were pulled on the pair, & this put us 18 pins in front as our ‘ankers Sparky & Chuckle 1 added the frame & sealed the Artists fate.
Sparky led the way by scoring 26 & pulling 6 pins, Pete doing a bit of a river dance at the end of his 4th up to entertain the lads & show his fun side, & was the only one to crack the 30 barrier to finish on 31. He also pulled 6 pins to give us a neat 30 pin win over the Artists.
I am not really sure what the whole ‘sucking our own dciks’ metaphor means – always keen to learn new things, perhaps someone would like to educate me? – but may it can be applied to our lads getting ahead of themselves & inflating their own egos by talking of leading the League Table following our 3 points win next week when we play the Stokers at Little Stoke Social Club on Friday 25th January
And can we note to use the English pronunciation of Stokers please, not the Welsh version as used by Taffy on his handy wallet-sized fixtures list! |
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