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MR 08.01.08 - Almonds v Filton Wanderers |
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Match Report 8/1: Almonds v Filton Wanderers
Braving the monsoon laden down with balls, files & Pussy, I was thrilled to bits having battled my way into the alley now dripping rain from every which angle to be told Turk didn’t want to play with the Almond balls because he’d started off all right playing with the opposition’s, thank you very much, kicking off with an 8. I nearly kicked him off myself, but how you take any notice of or be cross with someone who comes out to play skittles wearing a tea cosy?
Lodge & Turk were obviously very keen to get the evening over with, taking control of the board in the absence of a higher authority – i.e. anyone else at all – the local derby between both ASC teams being under way on the dot of 8pm. It was generally agreed that maybe Lodge needs to get a few sherberts down his neck to loosen up a bit before playing later into the match, as he’s still struggling to find front pin. He got into double figures, just, with 10, our sticker-up Dan trying his best to help him on his way by knocking over a pin whilst clearing the alley of debris for Lodge after his 1st ball queered the pitch: there was a lot of jeering & flak aimed at Dan & he was urged to be a bit more discreet about helping out next time… he took it well: I’m not sure if it is politically correct for a sticker-up to shout “shut up” at his skittlers, but I suppose it was better than “fcuk off”. Our Little Teapot went raving mad by scoring a gert massive 36, which was long overdue coming for him with the blank hot shots he’s fired over the weeks - & in spite of Compact arriving during his salvo & almost immediately jinxing Turk by commenting on his score! This meant that we were leading from the start at Tuesday’s home game against Filton Wanderers – 17 up.
Craptain courteously asked Wiggle if she was ready to have a go before chalking her up on the board with Taffy – when I said yes, I didn’t realise he meant taking my turn at skittles, but I gamely hid any disappointment once again this week. Compact made sure I got off to a good start by asking me at the exact moment I was about to take my first shot where last week’s MR was… I am sure he will swear that he wasn’t trying to put me off, the success of that a happy accident, which might be more believable had the MR not been on the table right in front his eyes! I enjoyed starting off with a wild shot so much, that after taking 6 pins with my 2nd ball I thought I’d throw another one. The dcuk was maybe taking things a bit too far later on, but I wasn’t lowest scorer with 19 by quite a few players, & I only dropped 16!! Taffy kept us all on the edge of our seats with his ups & downs, but luckily he kept it together a lot better than Wiggle & scoring on each & every up, picking up some of the slack to claw back 10 of the dropped pins with his score of 23, so that we were still 11 in front when Jocky & Compact took over. Taffy was actually more excited about getting a stroke of Pussy than his score & just on the verge of having to be physically dragged away he hit his climax & slunk back to his corner for a rest. He’d have had a cigar if it hadn’t still been lashing it down outside…
Jocky started & finished with a dcuk, hitting the heights of an 8 somewhere along the line, & finished up on a Sweet 16, managing to pull 4 pins on his FW. Compact also started off with a dcuk, & followed it up with a 2nd. Before any of us really had chance to get interested in a Slimbridge, he started hitting wood – not a lot, but enough to scrape him to double figures of 11. Perhaps his performance, or lack of it, was due to his New Year Resolution to give more positive feedback: there was consternation about whether we had a doppelganger amongst us at this revelation, & where was the real Chris? But old habits die hard & Compact was soon back to making derisive remarks & his assurances of being on for a good score, thankfully the NYR being too much of strain so that we got the old Chris we know so well back – not sure we’d know how to cope without his unique brand of team spirit!
So at half time our lead had been diminished to just 2 pins & Craptain now put Orical & peRV on. I was embroiled in an argument with Hammer at this point: he was trying to insist that I’d scored a hat-trick of gully shots, following my quite frankly stupid decision to apprise him of the fact I’d been practicing them earlier that evening before he arrived. Trying to explain how a hat-trick works in language he would understand, I pointed out that if a footballer scored a goal during one match & then two in another, it wouldn’t qualify as a hat-trick would it? On about the 10th time of asking the same question, Hammer finally said no & admitted he was losing that particular argument… aRCe felt he was losing more than that, suggesting it was the fcuking plot, & we mercifully moved on.
Back on the alley Orical was experiencing a roller coaster ride to 18 & peRV finished up on the same, starting out falteringly, showing a flash of inspiration just before the end, but finishing disappointingly with a dcuk. I will restrain myself from further comment, particularly following peRV’s somewhat questionable attempts to avail me of the knowledge of how to tell if someone fancies you: after several alarming seconds where I didn’t know quite where to look, I was relieved to hear that allegedly pupils dilate & it’s a dead giveaway – as his own looked like piss holes in the snow at the time it was not necessary for me to take drastic action, but as a precaution I’m wearing sunglasses next week lest any unintentional eye movement be misconstrued!Happily the FWs played even worse, resulting in our pair pulling us back 11 pins on the game: so excited was Orical about the way things were going for the pair that he started WPTP celebrations early, which wasn’t very sporting of him & spurred the FW who still had 1 up to complete to score an 8! Fortunately for Orical, & who can fault his enthusiasm & competitiveness, he & peRV still got their WPTP & he was allowed to go back to drinking his beer…
Late but welcome arrival aRCe was next up with Craptain. Compact took a spell at chalking up, which gave his peers the opportunity to have a dig about how far the mighty had fallen… pondering the question “where can he go from here?” Using the remnants of his NYR for positive comments, Compact preferred to see his ever changing role as a sign that he can turn his hand to anything, Mr Diversity personified, as opposed to the hyenas who preferred to yelp out their laughter at the fact he’s gone from Craptain & Chief Motivator to alleged Dogsbody – I, for one, was quite impressed he didn’t choose to get The Right Hump around now – maybe he was preoccupied mentally formulating who would appear on 'The List' for Day of the Revolution purposes.
Our pre ‘ankers kept almost perfect pace with their FWs, just managing to claw 1 more pin away from their grasp to give us a 14 pin lead for the proper ‘ankers to try to hang onto. aRCe chalked up a 21, with Craptain dragging up his rear with 19, having taken one of those in a very spawny fashion…. with 6 pins already fallen on his 2nd up, we watched a stray pin rolling – in what can only be described as slow motion – across the alley to take out a 7th, when it looked like it was all it had the strength to do was come to rest on it!!
As usual we had people sauntering off at times to watch televised football instead of the live action skittles, for which behaviour we are going to start imposing fines for: £1 for every pin that gets down in their absence – let’s see how they like them bad boys! However, most were on hand to witness Craptain’s spawny luck & raise a cheer to the rafters, then watch our ‘ankers Sparky & Hammer overcome savage heckling to ensure us a win.
Sparky led the way, although with him throwing another dcuk on his 2nd up it looked like it might be up a dead end alley… but he redeemed himself by breaking through the cloud Compact tried to shroud him in by banging on about how he was on for a 30 when Sparky was at 24 with 1 up to go. Sparky’s triumphant 31 pulled us another 12 pins so that it didn’t matter what Hammer scored after that, taking the pressure off. I’m surprised Hammer was even allowed to play after admitting he was drugged up to the eyeballs last week – as in any sport, he should be suspended pending a Steward’s Enquiry & have his 30 & top score of last week expunged from the records. He should also be disqualified for deliberately & consistently misinterpreting Wiggle: although this did lead to a delightful misunderstanding over a donkey being a virgin, aRCe wondering how the hell any donkey could be a virgin with Hammer around, & then Hammer forgot where he was in the excitement & mused out loud that he wouldn’t need a stool to mount one of those. Orical told him to stop making an ass of himself – bit of a tall order, but he did get on with the game at least. He played all right, so I hear – I found it infinitely more interesting to watch the screen in the bar then, even though, curiously, it wasn’t on – got lucky with a spawny 8, but could only manage 29 this week.
And so another win came to pass for the Almonds, by 38 pins: I thought it was a bit harsh for everyone to keep saying, “who needs Pete”, but… Wiggle collected in the 3 outstanding subs from Turk, peRV & Compact for last week & put them safely in Pussy with all the rest. The £12 collected for this week was all paid to Dan, dcuk money deposited in Pussy. The score sheet has been posted off to our District Secretary, the book & all other appendages will be returned idc.
Our next game is on our home alley again – Tuesday 15th January against the Artists.
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