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Far from feeling like the idiot he looked in his seasonal sweater, Compact took great pride in & top marks for entering into the spirit of our last match before Christmas & wearing such a festively festooned folly. Having raised a smile on the face of each new arrival, as well as a fair bit of indulgent head-shaking at the inevitability of it being Chris so adorned, he took the thing off PDQ as it was making him sweat like a pig – or do I mean reindeer?
Although his jolly japes didn’t extend to bringing a sack full of presents for everyone, there were CHRISmas crackers on offer in the form of lollipops & chocolate bars, which were snapped up with as much finesse as kids grabbing their goodies from Santa & doing a runner. You may be forgiven for thinking I’ve forgotten there was a game taking place against this backdrop, but fear not, I am getting to that…
Lodge & AndyMan were the first Shepherds to follow the star & chuck balls at pins to show their appreciation of the blessed event soon to take place. With all the bleating fuss Hammer made about not wanting to play & how the women should be given a chance when it was all oh so easy for them, you surely can’t have forgotten that it was an all-in game. All-in or no, it was still nice to see higher scores going up on the board, Lodge racking up 25 & AndyMan a 30. Unfortunately, Britannia pipped them at the post by 4 pins, so no early lead for us this time round.
Next Shepherds 2 watch the flock were MiniDisk & Turk, MiniDisk defying tradition to wear his Beanie-hat rather than the standard tea-towel / band combo. Tying his hat’s pigtails in a knot behind his head to keep his vision of the flock clear, MiniDisk matched his fellow Young Gun’s score of 25, whilst 3rd Muppet Burt managed not to swear too savagely when he just missed out on a 30 with 29. Now 7 down on the game we had our very own Angel Gabriel & his Welsh sidekick to lead us into the right direction… Compact & Taffy. I kid you not. Compact showed true leadership & determination to win by trying to throw 4 balls rather than the standard 3, not content with his opening offer of 5 obviously. Both scored a 30, pulling 5 & 4 on their respective oppos to, yes you guessed it, turn the game around & put us 2 in front at half time.
I think a small streak of devilment may have leaked out of Compact about now, & I am not referring to any excess gas, but the fact that knowing full well she doesn’t work well under pressure, Wiggle was now chalked up to play with aRCe & challenged with holding onto our tenuous lead… I could just hear all the jibes that I would get from Compact if we remotely let the lead slip before I even got up to play. There were misses that I, as much as anyone else, wish I hadn’t had, especially on the last up when a 30 seemed almost assured, but I was reasonably content with my 29, almost but not quite matching my partner’s expertise with his own 30. Some, Barnesy for certain sure, may say that I was robbed, nay (neigh?) psyched out of scoring more by the cacophony of noise that accompanied my final throes – which I chose to interpret as encouragement! – but I’d rather crash in a riot of attention than disinterested dead silence!
It was tempting, but I didn’t refer to myself as the Virgin Mary for 2 reasons: derision, 4 stars in the East would beggar anyone’s belief, and I didn’t think it polite to implicate that aRCe was a donkey… or refer to riding him all the way to Bethlehem, although I am not calling into question how he is hung. I guess aRCe would make a good Joseph, used as he is to delivering things to destinations on time, ish… anyhoo, our splendid efforts resulted in the loss of only 1 pin, so we were still in the lead when we handed over to Hammer & peRV.
Now we all know that there were only 3 Wise Men, so I am quite confident that Hammer won’t mind being a camel on this occasion, them not being that far removed from resembling horses – although if there are any severe disagreements I suggest Hammer & peRV spit it out amongst themselves… Following his transparent attempts to elicit cajoling from the team to play by saying he wouldn’t, Hammer was actually chosen to play to see if he could live up to his own prediction – that if he did play he would probably get the highest score: oops! When he’d quite finished blowing his own trumpet – I am sorry, but I just can’t bring myself to report what was actually said about Hammer having to suck his own dcik because no one else is going to blow it, way too vulgar for me – Hammer got the most popular score of the night with 29, this despite Wiggle trying to inspire him by playing a snippet of ‘Hammer Time’, which failed miserably so The Boys followed up with a rousing chorus from Black Beauty… He also refused to bite over the horse references after promising himself he wouldn’t, even when he courted it by sharing with us that a sneak preview of his Christmas card from Colleen showed it to say “something off”, & he thought the first word had an F in it, the boys helpfully suggesting it was probably “Hoof Off”…. & aRCe said it was very wise, especially with those teeth.
peRV was up to his old tricks on arrival, leaving his keys on the bar in hope of an exciting exchange, but all he got for his trouble was Tony the Tease, whom he turned down. Unprovoked, peRV then turned his attention to Barnesy, who had done nothing to deserve it: as a chat up line, asking if she liked her Pussy hairy left a lot to be desired, but as it happens he was referring to the fact Pussy was sporting a blond wig, on loan to Barnesy for Dress Up Time with Pete later on. The wig was in use as some sort of protection, Barnesy declaring her Pussy out of bounds for stroking on the all-in cup night due to the fact she’d be worn out, but it just invited trouble with the boys wanting to run their fingers through the silky tresses.
peRV soon forgot all about that by going down on one knee instead – Orical reckoning that he practices the motion in front of the mirror, dreaming of the day he gets knighted – & throwing a ball that missed all 4 pins left standing on the right side of the alley to wind up in the gutter on the left. Out of the ashes he did manage a 29, so it was sheer bad luck that his oppo played a blinder, scoring 38 & pushing us 3 pins behind as we entered the final scene.
Chewing on Frankincense & inhaling Myrrh, Sparky & Chuckle 1 entered stage left to see if they could deliver the best gift of all to the baby Jesus – a win for the Almonds. Everyone was worried about Sparky having another nosebleed, but he reassured us he was safe – maybe just a little bit prickly so to give him some space… he was asked to clarify whether he meant to say prickly or just prick, but he said he didn’t want pricks anywhere near him at his time of the month. On his 3rd up Sparky got himself the only dcuk in the village… Compact was moved to comment that some of us didn’t find it very funny when Sparky laughed at putting his first ball through on his 4th up, but Sparky rallied after having his non-bleeding nose rubbed in it that at least Chuckle 1 was taking the game seriously, & finished up being the 5th Almond to score 29. Chuckle 1 started with a 7, & despite being told you should never start with one of those jinxers, went on to score the highest number of pins of the night with 39. The big show off.
Unfortunately, the Britannia Wise Men blitzed ours with 37 & 34, which meant we lost the match by 6 pins & found ourselves with no room at the Inn, or even the stable come to that, which happily saved us the trauma of trying to get a team together over the Christmas holidays.
As previously advised our next League match is on Friday 4/1, at the Patchway RBL Club against the Legion Rams – those still able to move after the Christmas & New Year excesses, see you there!
Happy New Year to the Almonds – each & every one!
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