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Match Report: Tuesday 27th November 2007 – Almonds v Rangers
If you ask me, Craptain’s return seems to be causing nothing but dissension amongst the ranks. He swans back into the team without so much as a by your leave, or any sweeties from Oz, wrests control back from Compact in 5 minutes after making out he was in no hurry to hold the reins again, starts criticising the way the match report is written & puts Wiggle on too early. Or maybe it’s not the rankers rebelling… maybe it’s just me.
What he should be expending his energy on is sorting out the website & formatting on the Match Report system… although with all the criticism of my spelling, style of writing & no-one bothering to read it these days, perhaps the time has come for me to hang up my fingers & let us sink into an abyss of forgotten matches like all the other teams. But not this week, or it would be a waste of ink & hieroglyphics. And not a little venom. In keeping with his style of leadership, Compact came bearing gifts of lollipops for his team members as a thank you for their service under his reign: showing he knows how to treat everyone individually, Wiggle was given a customised lollipop in the form of a perfectly proportioned chocolate strip of confectionary deliciousness, which suited her right down to the last meltingly scrumptious chocolate crumb. Craptain wouldn’t have thought of that – it would have been pork scratchings all round or go without with him. Using the same fine judgement, Compact didn’t just bung me on early to get it out of the way; no, he nurtured my highly tuned potential & showed faith by playing me later in the matches & has been rewarded, mostly, with adequate scoring.
Tuesday’s scoring for Wiggle, by any standard, was savagely less than adequate. It all started with Craptain playing AndyMan & Taffy first pair for our game at home on Tuesday 27/11 against the Rangers. AndyMan was either brilliant or ‘struggling’ through his ups, there seems to be nothing in between, & finished up on 19. Taffy on the other hand just couldn’t do any wrong & earned himself a positively-stunned reaction from the team, looking like he couldn’t quite work out where that genius had come from himself, after scoring a fantastic 30. Shame he dcuked on the last up… that’s what comes of getting over excited & wanting something too badly: your equipment fails, & this time it was Taffy’s balls.
2 pins up Craptain stuck Wiggle on with Jocky. My confidence battered by a sad ass with nothing better to do than ridicule my vowel choice – 3 pages of prose, several hours of blood, sweat & foul language & the best Hammer can come up with is “you spelled Hallen with an O instead of an E”: well, dcuk me, it’s a wonder I haven’t been dragged off, locked up in the Bloody Tower & flogged to within an inch of my life… get over yourself MC!! – & not getting into the zone through actually having to concentrate on the game as I was in charge of the scorebook I really wasn’t at my optimum preparedness for handling balls & making wood.
I very nearly got an Archie, but ruined everyone’s enjoyment of that by actually aiming for the front pin with my last ball. Which missed. I could have felt worse about only getting 9 (& I did try hard to make it all add up to at least double figures, but couldn’t persuade Taffy or Compact to use my formula for addition!) had it not been for the fact that Jocky played a blinder & put 29 on the board, to keep our bit of the game all equal so that although we didn’t pull pins, I wasn’t responsible for dropping any either! Jocky unintentionally caused great hilarity when in earnest discussion about the best way to skittling success he said he always throws his balls down the middle. After some incredulous derision & much mockery he corrected himself & said what he meant to say was that he always stands in the middle & tries to throw them straight!! But after playing like he did, he could get away with it!
Next up we had Orical & aRCe, who scored 22 & 21 respectively. With their oppos scoring 15 a-piece they earned themselves the honour of turning the game around, having pulled 15 pins to put us 13 in front as Lodge joined us to be put on 4th pair with peRV. Lodge got a Sweet 16 to equal his Ranger, whilst peRV pulled 5 on his by scoring 28, increasing our lead to 18, making the job easy for our brace of Craptains who played 5th pair.
Relinquished of control, Compact tried to retain himself some semblance of power by anointing himself Director of Skittles. There was some nervous tittering until he clarified that he was talking about the multi-coloured little sweets that send children everywhere on a crazy sugar high & Reg would be dealing with the M&Ms as usual – lets just hope he eventually works out that the Chocos need more delicate handling than the Peanuts…
Compact & Craptain kept it friendly by each scoring 24 & managed to pull 21 pins to give us a healthy 39 pin lead – anybody could have played well after that with no pressure on to do so. Interest was lost in the game by now as the focus moved to the Scoreboard & whether the c in ‘Social’ was in fact an r & not a c. After close examination I am happy to confirm that it is indeed a c & not an r, as we had previously all thought, which you can all see for yourselves by studying the lowercase ‘r’ in Almondsbury & comparing it to the capital C in Club. As I made reference to Almondsbury Social Club as Almondsbury Sorial Club in a previous MR, I quake in my stilettos at the consequences that may come to pass from using the wrong consonant in a passage of text…
Sparky & Hammer were our ‘ankers: ever mindful of the Christmas season, Sparky brought his mate Hammer an early present, but whilst the rest of the team were thrilled to bits with it, Hammer showed less than happy enthusiasm after unwrapping his very own copy of Black Beauty – I doubt there are many horse videos he doesn’t already own, but it’s the thought that counts. Sparky doubled his Ranger’s score to put 28 on the board & pull 14, & although I can tell you that Hammer only pulled 6, resulting in us romping home to a glorious win by 59 pins, I am unable to report how many pins he scored in total due to fear of reprisals if I spell it incorrectly. I can, however, quite happily report that he left without paying his subs – cheapskate.
Our next match is on Monday 3rd December at the St Teresa Social Club in Filton, against the Bohemians. |
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