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Match Report: 20.11.07
All-in Knockout Cup – Almonds v Magic Roundabouts
Tuesday 20/11 saw the return of our Walkabout Wallaby, Craptain ‘Silver Fox’ Reg himself. Quickly reminded of the warm glow being one of the team brings, he probably went straight home & put in a transfer request… Mocked for not having a tan he defended himself with assurances that was because he was working so hard: however, it also transpired that when not hard at it on that front, he sacrificed his leisure time to be hard at it proving to himself that no Australian bar could compare to a good old English pub as there wasn’t a skittle alley in sight! He brought a certain Antipodean flair to the proceedings when our 2 Craptains fought it out in a head-to-head pairing, but first….
Craptain Compact, offering no apology or explanation for his blasé late arrival when he finally turned up at the game, left Bert & Ernie in charge of getting the game under way. They played themselves first pair against the Florences of the opposition. All-In obviously suited them both as they stormed their way to 28 for Lodge’s Ernie & 30 for ‘Bert’ Turk: not without the latter securing the first dcuk of the night though, for which he politely declined to pay the forfeit stipulated by CD – a naked run round the Club! They marginally got pipped to putting us in front from the start by 2 pins, so those 2 down Compact put Orical & Taffy on against the oppos’ Brians.
Orical, expressing his concerns about the responsibilities of being put on to play fifth ‘anker pair, managed to hold things together & played steadily enough to keep us within shouting distance of the Magic Roundabouts by scoring 27, whilst his partner hit 28. Taffy had whipped his red coat off quick as you like after his arrival to avoid mockery of his sartorial elegance – he’d thrown caution to the wind & wore the red over his pink shirt – but he hardly need have worried as wild horses wouldn’t have dragged the Almonds’ minds away to something so frivolous on this occasion.
Now 5 down, Craptain Compact went for a Skipper skirmish: having challenged Reg with having to earn his place back on the team, CD was trumped by Reg studying the Averages & declaring that it didn’t look like it was going to be that difficult… the gauntlet thrown down, Skip found himself staring down a long tunnel at 9 incey wincey little sticks – once he got over feeling like he was upside down, or was that back to front?, he led the way by scoring 30. After a confident start – during which he received the usual respect of his team by having them point out to Skip that he shouldn’t be fooled into thinking CD always played like that, & Skip referring to CD’s place in the Averages, stating knowingly that they never lie – CD erred on the side of caution & let Skip enjoy his triumphant return, coming in with 26. They dropped a pin on the game to the Ermintrudes, which put us a neat half dozen down.
So say in an attempt to pull some pins back at this point, Compact put Hammer & aRCe on 4th pair against the Dougals. It was somewhat of a surprise to see Hammer this week, knowing how beneath him All In games are, but I guess arrogance got the better of him & he had a point to prove. Not sure what the point was, except maybe to prove that even he can get beaten by a woman… His total was 24, & obviously would have been more if he hadn’t got a dcuk, which he claims to have done just to get into the Match Report. That worked then. He dropped 8 pins on Dougal 1, which means the woman he played against got 32. Lucky for him he was paired with aRCe, who also scored 32: he pulled 9 pins on Dougal 2, which meant we were back to 5 pins down as the 5th pair, peRV & Chuckle1 were unleashed against the Dylans!
Always willing to act on constructive criticism, Compact took steps to motivate his men after hearing the observation that they’d gone off the boil. With his rallying cry of “come on you wankers, get on with it” echoing off the walls, who could have failed to respond? And what better reward could they have hoped for than to hear him say “that was crap, get off” after their efforts? Some may say his techniques are controversial, or even that they leave a lot to be desired, but who can argue that they don’t work… peRV was pleased to break the 30 barrier with 31 & C1 took highest score with his own 34. They pulled 22 pins on the game to give us a lead of 17 as Sparky & Jocky were chosen to play ‘ankers.
General consensus seemed to be that Compact had conducted a gross miscarriage of justice in not playing Wiggle, or Barnesy for that matter. I cannot speak for Sue, but Jen was more than happy to be ‘rested’, having threatened CD with a fate worse than death if he put JeL up on the board: method behind my madness? – not to risk scoring less than Hammer!!
Sparky got the usual K(r)iss of Death & just missed out on a 30, having to settle for 29. Jocky ruined my night by scoring less than Hammer with 21, but rather him than me. They dropped 7 pins, but with the help of the Zebedees managed to put the game to bed with a 10-pin win for the Almonds.
We play our next League game at home on Tuesday 27/11 against the Rangers. Skip is biding his time before wresting control of the team back from Compact – apparently the optimum moment will be once we’re 5 games into a losing streak so that Reg resembles a knight in shining armour, galloping to our rescue on his trusty steed.
Oh no….. I should never have mentioned horses, Orical thinks it might gee Hammer up. Anyone interested in the tale of The Horse Botherer of Old Hallon Town? If so, read on...
Midst quiet tumbling lanes lies a sleepy little village called Hallon where nothing much happened until they raised the funds to build a skittle alley for the King Billy. Little did they know what debauchery & bestial behaviours this would stir in those possessing equine proclivities…..
One rainy November night, The Almonds arrived at the newly converted stables & although one or two looked a bit Iffy, they were generally seen as an inoffensive bunch, & much laughter filled the air & filtered out into the night… mostly at the expense of the lone figure who later into the evening emerged into the darkness, the light from the streetlamps glinting off his silver Monk hair as he moved beneath them to disappear into the blackness of the lanes. His lips were moving & anyone passing could have been forgiven for thinking he was chewing a mouthful of mosquitoes, but there was no-one to hear his whining curses as he searched for a way to release his frustration - & even if there had been, I doubt they would have heard anything anyway due to having their lug-holes filled with yellow sponge, which is probably also why no-one heard the plaintive neighing that was to rent the air in the ensuing minutes.
After a short space of time hardly worth trembling your hind quarters for, the same lone figure was seen returning to the welcoming yellow light leaking from the alley, & assuming his stagger & satisfied grin was due to over indulgence of the amber liquid an unsuspecting helpful soul loaded him into his car & took him home.
Most of us missed the report in the papers about the trauma suffered by a horse stood in the wrong field at the wrong time, minding his own business, probably munching grass & flicking his tail casually in anticipation of having to defend itself from the horsefly it could hear buzzing louder & louder as it got closer & closer… blissfully unaware that it was going to be rudely bothered any minute. Apparently it wasn’t so much what was done to the horse – hardly felt a thing & it was over mercifully quickly – but the manner in which it was done: by all accounts the cruel bastard talked to the horse incessantly the whole time… and the horse was driven half mad trying to shake off the horsefly or hornet it thought was attacking it…. But it would appear, as so often happens with crimes of passion, that the perpetrator of the offence was so pleased with himself that he couldn’t help drawing attention to the incident, probably gaining some sick pleasure from recounting events.
And so it came to pass that at the next gathering of the Almonds the conversation was steered towards horses by Hammer, & whether anyone had heard about the The Horse Botherer at Hallon, where quite coincidentally we’d been the previous week. He might have got away with it had it not been for aRCe asking if he didn’t mean The Horse Whisperer, but the saliva & girlish giggle that escaped Hammer’s lips as he mistook ‘whisperer’ for ‘whipper’, & the rolling of his eyes back into his head, no doubt in imitation of the horse he bothered, when aRCe did a very good impression of whinnying in his ear “do you want a shag?” gave it away...
Showing sterling support, and in the absence of Fuzz – where is a copper when you need one? – rather than go to all the trouble of popping over the road to alert the police, the Almonds questioned Hammer themselves, trying to counsel him out of committing further offences. Asked if he’d been banned from Badminton, Hammer tried to make light of the situation by saying he only played football. But undeterred, further lines of enquiry revealed that once Aintree had to put out an alert, not because National security was threatened by an imminent terrorist attack, but because Hammer was trying to knobble the horses…. We wonder if Sparky hasn’t inadvertently stumbled upon solving two mysteries at once – asking Hammer if it’s Shergar rotting in his rancid pond causing it to turn brown & kill all his fish.
With so many horse remarks trotting & cantering between the team, especially when an unsuspecting peRV arrived & immediately started on about how he'd had to discuss the removal of horse-shit from his football pitch, it’s a wonder someone didn’t choke on their nuts. Most of the team indulged themselves in a peanut snack, all except Hammer who abstained due to the absence of oats or horse chestnuts, happily making do with the secret supply of sugar cubes hidden in his pockets. At least I think that's why he kept fiddling around in them....
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