|
Dear Craptain, Due to circumstances beyond my control, my arrival at Friday’s game at the King William was delayed: having finally got under way an hour later than planned, motorway queues due to an accident, missing the turning at the first pass & then traversing the endless bends in the rain – so that we were convinced we must have gone wrong somewhere – didn’t help. Having finally found the place & secured the all important drink first, discovering peRV lurking in the bar with his male escort all cozied up watching the footie, we made our appearance in the newly built separate alley – where it was frickin’ freezing & I wished I hadn’t taken my nice warm jumper off before I left home – whereby we received a warm & enthusiastic welcome from our fellow Almonds. Well, I say ‘warm & enthusiastic’, but only in the sense that although Craptain Compact’s face said it all – “about fcuking time you got here” – he managed to refrain from any sarcastic comments & the relief, which was palpable, that we’d actually turned up was welcome enough. Ish. Anyway, the game was a good way to half done & we were only 9 down with 3rd pair aRCe & Hammer on the alley.
AM – or TimIffy1 that was, Almond moniker still pending – had played 1st pair with Turk. Going with the ‘good skittler / bad skittler’ routine, AM enjoyed better fortunes this week with 27, whilst Turk did OK with 18, giving us an early lead by 5 pins. Next up to astound & amaze had been peRV & Jocky: I’m not sure where peRV’s relaxed & devil may care attitude came from when we saw him in the bar, because he couldn’t have been feeling that mellow from scoring 19… perhaps being escorted by his own pet Copper suits him. Jocky must have had a ‘mare as he only scored 9, & the Almonds felt the undertow of the receding wave as we were pulled to 9 pins behind. aRCe & Hammer – don’t they make toothpaste or something? – did well to stop that deficit from dropping by more than 2 after scoring 10 & 24 respectively. I was too busy finding myself a spot to settle in & catching up on recording the scores to actually watch the tail end of their so-called skittling, but it didn’t matter because the main fodder for the MR was to come later anyway…
Barely a taste into my vodka, Craptain asked if I was happy to go on next with ‘TB’ – TimIffy2: having forewarned us not to pass drugs or mention any law-breaking activities within TimIffy2’s earshot due to him being a Rozzer, I hardly dared complain! Taking my nice warm fleece off was a bit rash due to the temperature in the alley, but I was trying to look well ‘ard like everyone else. Obviously careful not to incur the wrath of Fuzz I had to use all of my skill & fine judgement to refrain scoring very many more pins than him… Fuzz didn’t make it easy by scoring 12, about which he was not happy, but I avoided too much unpleasantness by only pipping him by 1 pin to score 13 this week. Now unfortunately, having not thought this through properly, this meant we were now 29 pins down on the game. Oops. But, far from flattening the Almonds’ spirits, they were in fine form following CD’s continued torment of Hammer’s mosquito pitched monologues & barely had time to notice the game’s descent to the danger zone. Compact came to the game armed with pocketfuls of ear-plugs, which he proceeded to hand out to all concerned when Hammer left the room for a refill! He chose a moment when I was actually on the alley to give the command to plug in, so although I wasn’t part of the ensuing madness, due to Hammer’s rather slow powers of perception I did get to enjoy the ‘reveal’ as the penny finally dropped for Hammer just as I rejoined the melee. They’d all been stood around shouting “pardon”, “did you say something?” & generally looking vague when Hammer spoke, & even after his attention was drawn to the plugs the torment continued as they confirmed they could hear one another perfectly now that the high-pitched whine had stopped. As if that wasn’t genius enough, Compact then stuffing earplugs up both his nostrils & claiming that he had a result because he couldn’t smell Hammer now either was inspired! He looked like something out of A Fish Called Wanda… but I don’t want to think about what he & aRCe looked like when they put the plugs to use as nipple enhancers, exclaiming “my, my, it’s cold in here” until we all caught on: I was a bit paranoid at this point being the only woman on the team & kept my arms firmly folded across my own un-enhanced points in case I was the butt (or do I mean ‘tit’) of the joke I hadn’t yet got. You have to appreciate just how difficult it was to keep focused on the game with all that shenanigans going on. Not only that, but I had to suffer the usual abuse when I started producing dcuks, being told I was crap & a has-been skittler, as well as having slanderous, chauvinistic remarks directed at me by Hammer - & it’s just as well for him that I cannot now recall just what he said, but it wasn’t good as even the Trymsiders were shocked at the treatment I received from The Boys: it’s something when the opposition have to stick up for you!!
There was a lot of talk at this point about “when Reg comes back”. Apparently, when Reg comes back, “he can’t just walk back in & take control”; & when Reg comes back “he’ll have to earn his place on the team”; but this closely followed by “when Reg comes back, Chris is out the door” from Sparky, who wants it on record that he always said we should have a non-playing Craptain! Meanwhile, Compact was rising above such things & getting on with the task in hand about deciding which order to play the troops. In an attempt to recoup some of our losses, he played the 2 Exocets next, Orical & himself. Orical somehow managed to elevate himself above the rabble & babble to score a quarter century with 25, still intensely pissed off that he couldn’t manage to avoid a dcuk. Compact ‘suffered’: peRV was on hand to encourage him by shouting ‘Slimbridge’ & ‘quack, quack’ 2 dcuks in & on CD’s 3rd up – it did the trick & put 2 pins on the board that time round, & focussed him long enough to get 15 on the board total. Somehow or another that jammy pair managed to hold the game at 29 down, which reminds me that I’m no longer a Spawny virgin – after missing everything with my first 2 offerings, I took out 5 with my last ball by complete accident & had it authenticated as an official ‘Spawny Git’ shot by none other than MC himself! How cool is that? I was quite pleased by that – I feel like one of The Boys now!! But I’m not saying which one… ‘ankers Chuckle 1 & Sparky had a bit of a battle on their hands to deliver us from the evils of losing, & how funny that both managed to score the same number of pins we were down on the game – 29!! Each had high hopes of a 30+, dashed obviously by their team-mates’ observations they were definitely on for a 30 – always goes down well that one!! First to succumb to the curse was C1, who pulled 3 pins from his oppo, followed not long after by Sparky, who got psyched out of his much more spectacularly than Pete, as not only had he had to overcome the demons Hammer was trying to put in his head from the start of the evening about there being no backboard on the alley, but also the rousing chorus of tension-building male voices rising from a low-pitched drone to a roaring crescendo as he first positioned himself into the Greek God pose, prepped himself mentally to let rip, then sent the ball careening down the alley. Not once, but twice did this result in Sparky putting the ball straight through 2 times, so that by his 3rd attempt The Boys could barely contain their delight at their successful destruction of his last nerve! He spoiled their perfect orgasmic delight by scoring with his last ball & equalling C1’s score, pulling a stonking 19 on his own oppo to put us only 7 pins away from stealing an assured win from Trymside.
Despite not winning, it was a very buoyant bunch of Almonds who mooched off to their weekends’ enjoyments: mostly responsible for this bonhomie being Hammer, not only for the earlier ear-plug farce (& apparently Chris is going to bring us all ear defenders next week, seeing as the subtle approach this week didn’t work…), but also for amusing everyone by seeming to be under the delusion that we miss him when he doesn’t turn up. Compact conducted an ad hoc survey, canvassing the Almonds one by one, & after the 5th negative response Hammer left the building in an exasperated strop. There were a few uncomfortable seconds when it was pondered if we’d gone too far & one of us would find Hammer hanging off a bridge somewhere on the way home, before aRCe put our minds at rest & said he’d go after Hammer as he remembered he had some rope in his boot… as it turned out, aRCe was saved the effort when Hammer came back because it was raining & he’d forgotten he needed a lift!
Our next game is for the All-In Knockout Cup on our home alley, Tuesday 20/11. I have no idea who we are playing, so that can be a nice surprise for us all!! Hammer has already begged to be ‘rested’ for that match – obviously scared he’ll get a piss-poor all-in score! |
Home 
Match Reports 
