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Match Report: Tuesday 23rd October – Almonds v Britannia
Dear Craptain,
As half the team were AWOL Tuesday evening – your good self still living it up Down Under; Hammer singing with the Canaries; Taffy gone European; Chuckle 1 & Barnesy out in Jamaica, doncha know; & peRV cavorting around Soho (in his shorts, no doubt…) – we had to draft in a couple of mercenaries & prise Barnesy Junior away from watching the football in peace – the latter making Vice Compact very twitchy, as BJ was doing a very good job of ignoring his phone…
Our VC does need to learn a few people skills mind: you’d think he’d just be grateful for the remaining Almonds turning up at all, knowing he was on the ropes, but oh no, dripping sarcasm he greeted those of us arriving a few minutes later than normal with a “nice of you to turn up”, & then was amazed that this & his subsequent harassment of Wiggle for not coming in all-singing & dancing hadn’t had the desired ‘putty-in-my-hands’ effect. Anyway, opening play this week we had TimIffy & Lodge. TimIffy, who had suffered some sort of trauma – not to mention changed persona! - & couldn’t ever remember playing before, showed everyone else up by reaching 34 at the end of his 5th up: with our trustee Craptain playing a blinder once again & putting the kybosh on an even higher score by pronouncing TimIffy was on for a 40, a dcuk was served for dessert & TimIffy had to settle for his brilliant 34.
Lodge, meanwhile, was enduring being ‘coached’ by VC & ‘encouraged’ by the treacherous… I’m not sure what the final straw on Lodge’s back was, but I suspect it might have had something to do with the massage he was being offered to loosen his shoulders, & aRCe’s eagerness to be the one to administer it: can you imagine what it must be like to have aRCe shout “I’ll come up right behind you in a minute”? He did manage to get into double figures with 10 & didn’t undo too much of the progress Iffy had made – leaving us 7 up after the opening volley.
Compact continued on his relentless cause to enlighten those less fortunate than himself in The Perfect Way to 6X-ing by focusing his attention on his next protégé, SavvyDisk, whom he paired with aRCe. VC couldn’t be mistaken for feeling that his efforts weren’t appreciated: even SD cheered when The Boys forced Compact out into the Snooker Room whilst she played to give her a fighting chance! Compact got busy trying to defend his difficult position as our pseudo-Leader & how it’s a dirty job but someone’s got to do it, but Sparky put him straight by pointing out that he’s only doing the job because no one else wanted to. Harsh…
Anyway, petty squabbling aside – although that doesn’t leave much else to report! – SD served up a 14 against aRCE’s 21 to pull another 7 pins ahead so that we were 14 in front as our 3rd pairing of MiniDisk & Turk were chalked up. Things didn’t quite go according to plan for MiniDisk, who was desperate to score at least one more pin than SD but had to settle for the fact he at least didn’t usurp Lodge from lowest score! He managed a neat dozen, whilst Turk pipped SD by 1 – on his own head be it – which was enough to keep things square on the pair & us in the lead by the 14 pins.
With Iffy, the Young Guns & aRCe all now departed – unable to keep up the pace, take the heat & exhausted from their efforts – Wiggle requested that Orical, Compact, Jocky & Sparky make more effort to resemble a rowdy crowd to create a bit of atmosphere as a backdrop to her & Jocky’s scintillating play… it was quieter than a graveyard at times, with not even the clunk of wood on wood to break the silence! 22 pins later for Wiggle & 15 for Jocky, we were still holding those 14 pins in hand as Barnesy Junior finally joined us & was put on to play 5th pair with Compact.
You can always rely on our VC to do his best to turn the game around, and this was no exception: BJ struggled his way to a Sweet 16 – hitting the quarters a treat when it didn’t count, but unable to get a connection if he took the front pin first; & just to add insult to injury, on his 5th up he took 7 pins, leaving only the 2 quarters standing proud!! – dropping 8 of our precious lead pins, & Compact got a Lucky 13 (as in he was lucky to get that many…), which no doubt pleased SD when she found out but did nothing for Compact’s frayed nerves – although Sparky delighted in winding him up about SD deserving triple allowance from now on for beating her old man! With Compact dropping a further 7 pins, which put us 1 down on the game as our 2 Johnny ‘ankers got ready to rumble, we were on for quite an exciting finish!
Orical kept up a nice steady pace to start with, at the halfway point pulling 6 pins on his oppo. He then decided to test our nerves by serving up a couple of dcuks before finishing with a 5, to score 19 against 11, pulling us back a precious 8 pins. Sparky spent most of his ups copying & perfecting the shot that Orical has made his own – ‘clearing the decks so that he could see the road’, i.e. knocking everything else out the way so that he could concentrate on the front pin!! At Sparky’s halfway point he’d dropped 6 pins so that we were all even on the game, then scored 2 against 4, followed by 6 against 6 keeping us all even on the game as it came down to the last 2 ups.
If ever there was a time to dish up an 8, this was it, & Sparky delivered when it mattered, finishing on highest (counted) score of 24 with a perfectly executed & timed 8, putting the pressure on the Britannia ‘anker to score 7 to draw or 8 to win: it went right down to the wire, & there were collective sighs all around – of relief for the Almonds, for a lost opportunity from the Brits – as his last ball went straight through to see him finish on 6. So, another win under the belt for VC & The Almonds by 1 very fragile pin, & heartfelt thanks must go to Andy & Sophie without whom it would not have been possible!
Trying for skittle domination maybe, we had more Douglas associates sticking up for us in the form of Compact’s niece & her mate – many thanks to them too, as not only did we win, but we finished early too!
Our next match is on Wednesday 31st October at…… you guessed it, Patchway Sports & Social Club against the Stragglers – fancy dress optional!
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