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Match Report 2/10: Almonds v Filton Nomads |
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Match Report: Tuesday 2nd October – Almonds v Filton Nomads Dear Craptain, You will be glad to hear that your troops were on form Tuesday night: maybe not so glad to hear that I mean in the humour department rather than with skittling expertise, but either way it didn’t matter as we pulled off a win anyway & along the way had a raucously funny evening, at one point the guys becoming rambunctious* in their desire to tell the best (or do I mean worst?!) joke of the night!! Try as I might I wouldn’t be able to recreate the atmosphere the Jongleurs session invoked, and anyway the jokes being told were either too racist or crude to relay here, so you will have to content yourself with this sample – the only one likely to pass the censor! “I went to a cemetery the other day & saw 4men carrying a coffin. 3 hours later I saw the same 4 men with the same coffin & I thought to myself, “they’ve lost the fcuking plot”!”. Actually, most of the evening had a smutty edge to it… nothing new there then! It started off that way because Chuckle1 was a bit rough with Pussy the other week, which resulted in bits breaking off: luckily he had the foresight to save them & Orical leapt at the chance to show off his bondage bonding skills… Pussy was returned to the fold on Tuesday almost as good as new & welcomed by hot, sweaty hands! Barnesy was up to her old tricks, trying to embarrass the young ‘uns, this time Turk when he was coughing up his Duck Dosh & she asked him if he had enough to fit Pussy’s hole, & Compact had to lower the tone further by announcing as loudly as he could manage that you could see Pussy’s crack…. But at least the game was under way! The Nomads caused a late start by wandering a bit too far in the wrong direction – having finally found the right venue, & with our stand-in sticker-up Abby in position (Chris’ niece, who very kindly agreed to assist when the peRVlet was unavoidably detained & did a grand job), Turk & Lodge rolled us off to an early deficit. Turk did OK with 22, but Lodge is still struggling to find the front pin. Compact is taking his Craptainly duties very seriously & did try to encourage him to play better, but his efforts were called into question by Turk, who took quite a lot of delight in pointing out that Compact himself is hardly faring much better! Compact puffed up his pecs & retorted that he is holding back until they start performing so as not to dishearten them further & then he’ll come up to peak – we’re all looking forward to that! 12 down after the first pair, Compact now played The Welsh Boys – or FijIans, as they were called all night! - & unlike their rugby compatriots Jocky & Taffy managed to turn the game around to put us in the lead by 9 after scoring 25 & 14 respectively, Taffy throwing a duck on his 6th up 'on purpose' because he said he didn’t want to be the first to stroke the surgically enhanced Pussy due to Health & Safety concerns. Compact put himself on next with Barnesy Junior, & was visibly relieved to a) get into double figures & b) above 20, which might just get him away from rock bottom of the averages where he resides with Lodge! He did say he was making a charge up the averages now, causing aRCe to mutter under his breath about how he ought to be ON a charge! Harsh, but… He scored almost as many with his first up as he did with all 6 last week, & his devilish aura must have been permeating the air as his Nomad oppo scored 6X in response to his 23, despite her having her own bodyguard to protect her from who knows what… either she was sozzled & he was making sure she could make it to the alley & throw in the right direction, or LB Nomad, having overheard all the talk about stroking Pussy if you got no ducks, was taking no chances with us suspicious lot! BJ pretty much kept pace with Compact, putting 22 on the board, & after their onslaught we saw ourselves a very healthy 34 in front! Safe from too much damage being done, Compact played his Joker & put Barnesy & Wiggle on. Now, Barnesy had rather liked the idea of having her own personal ball handler like LB Nomad, so Compact, rising to the occasion as always, accompanied her to the throwing station & proceeded to warm & shine the balls on his crotch for her - apart from the 3rd up when he disappeared out into the car park with Sparky, allegedly to give him a private demonstration of his ball shining technique: the Jury is still out on whether this helped or hindered, but Barnesy did score 11 & seemed to enjoy the experience, mostly. There were a few nasty moments, like when Compact timed to perfection his revelation that he hadn’t realised he had his flies undone whilst shining, & then when he started rubbing the balls – still talking about wooden skittle ones! – on his ass instead, which elicited a trail of toilet humour I have no wish to think about again. Disconcerted by some of the remarks herself, Barnesy rubbed her hands off on peRV’s leg (thankfully, he did have jeans on this week) & he was enjoying that until it dawned on him she was wiping Compact ass cooties off on him & he complained he’d have all the dogs in Bradley Stoke trying to shag him now: do I really need to add that we all asked him what made the difference?! Bearing in mind this was when the cacophony of joke telling was taking place, Wiggle felt she bore up well under the distraction: I shocked myself by starting off with an 8, having sent 2 gorgeously accurate balls – a complete fluke, obviously! – to their intended targets of front pin for 5 and left quarter for 3. I wanted to hit the 9th pin so bad… but of course I missed & instead of congratulations heard cries of “get off”. 2nd up was encouraging too, another 5, but after that the wheels wobbled & fell off – 2 ducks and a thumb short of a handful of pins, I finished on 17 & had to accept that I am only likely to see my name at the top of the averages for one week only after all! Chuckle1 was well on his way to earning Brownie points with Wiggle after printing off the averages when her name was at the top – but he ruined it by saying he was going to keep a copy on file so that he could produce it to inspire others to do better, using the motto “if Jen can do it, anyone can”. He may redeem himself if he delivers on his promise to print her off a copy for posterity all highlighted in pretty pink to match her shirt!!, & goes with ‘Ladies First’ if it turns out that she just might cling on to joint Top status with Conspiracy Pete himself! Compact was surprised that the girls didn’t manage to pull pins, with the Nomads struggling to do much better than us, but the disgrace wasn’t too bad as we only dropped 2 – 32 in front, there wasn’t too much pressure on aRCe & peRV, chosen to go on 5th pair. aRCe, freed from an early night by yet more strike action, & surprisingly calm into the bargain, turned up a bit later into the evening than normal & stayed with us to the bitter end. Releasing any residues of stress with the joke telling marathon, he’d obviously relaxed himself into scoring better than of late, putting 23 up on the board. Now, peRV had been proudly displaying his new shoes earlier in the evening, looking for the approval of his peers following their past embarrassments of having to stand in the same room as him & his daps… he got a duck to start so was asked straight away to take his new shoes back for a pair that work! Undaunted he slugged away to finish on 20, the pair pulling a further 5 pins so that we were 37 in credit before our ‘ankers took centre stage. Sparky, confessing to pining for his ‘partner’ MC – but only in a sexual way he was quick to point out, lest we thought him soft – only managed 23 this week, using the “past my bedtime” excuse for not setting the world alight with his skittles. There was one of those “ooooooohhhhhhh” moments when he caressed the front pin with his 1st ball but left it unmoved: he took no chances with the 2nd ball, using it to smash the FP’s fcuking head in!! Chuckle1 only managed 21 – hence Wiggle’s tenuous hold on Average supremacy! – but his skittles could only ever have been an anti climax to the floorshow that was him trying to listen to his precious football via his mobile phone… He found himself a quiet little spot & got busy burrowing the earpiece into his lughole… but of course he wasn’t allowed to enjoy his simple pleasure in peace: - Barnesy Junior found it hilarious that his Pater has the smallest earholes ever in relation to his alleged big head & took filial delight in sharing tht information with everyone!, & there was some discussion around whether Pete was trying to force the wrong end in… both of which of course drew everyone’s attention to Pete’s concentration of tuning in to the Rovers’ match
- Oblivious to the cacophony of wireless-tuning sound effects Pete stood enjoying a world of his own until he finally became aware of Sue trying to get his attention, whereby he shouts in response because he can’t hear anything above his commentary!
- Sue then proceeds to tell him to stop shouting, which induces the whole team to turn to her and shout “WHAT?” in unison…
- Probably just to be irritating, Sue then tries to talk to Pete again, gives up and starts ‘signing’ to him – but I can’t say I have ever seen a professional using some of the signs she did....
- peRV then chose to confuse things by asking about the progress of a different match, knowing full well it had taken Pete the best part of 10 minutes to get his ear piece wedged in place & tuned into the Rovers!
- BJ was convinced he’d tuned into the shipping forecast by mistake as Pete was looking rather pleased at how the scores were going
- Tim asked if he knew Radio Caroline & Luxembourg went off air years ago
- & we had Compact warbling “nanoo, nanoo” at intervals….
You definitely had to be there to get the full benefit, but hopefully you're getting the picture!! Also missing this week were Hammer, watching son play football; Orical, attending an ‘exhibition’, but probably strolling round Soho & / or street corners; MiniDisk, better offer. We won our game by an embarrassing 49 & the Nomads were very good sports about it, even if maybe they did wish they’d stayed at Almondsbury Football Club after all! FijIan took top score with 25 & declared the result “beeyootifulll” – he’d had a crap week apparently but going to skittles had made him feel lovely, isn’t it? I’m not sure if it was Pete or Chris who wanted the following words recorded in print – “you never got my vote for Captain, anyhow” – but they were said by Pete to Chris, for reasons unknown, unless it was just spite! Boys will be boys. No league fixture next week, but we have a Knockout Cup match against the Wasps to play at Patchway Sports & Social Club on Tuesday 9th October – unless otherwise advised by Sue. (The game was advised as Wednesday 10/10, but following a phone call a note had been made on the notifying letter that the game would be played Tuesday – we narrowly avoided a fight breaking out between the Bowers as they tried to establish authenticity, so settled for the Tuesday pending further clarification: worst case scenario, we turn up Tuesday & there’s no game, so we go the following night – at least we can’t miss it!!). Yours Respectfully,Match Reporter * Rambunctious = uncontrollably exuberant
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