I’m not sure whether it's because it’s the end of the season, that we’ve survived immediate expulsion from Division 3, or whether we’ve enjoyed a string of wins, but spirits within the camp were still running high as we straggled together for our last League game at Patchway Labour Club against Britannia on Wednesday 25/4.  Our mate peRV remarked on how great it was that we’d recaptured our spirit and were in fine form at the end of the season:  I think he may have been a little crushed when Craptain pointed out that was because we’d started winning again, but with the promise of his cast being removed the following day, nothing was going to spoil his mood for long. 

Craptain seemed determined to sprinkle the dust of discontent having turned up half an hour late again and found that as in previous weeks we were managing all right without him, though inferring the Match Reports were to blame for our most-of-the-season slump – for not being inspiring enough – was beyond the pale…  I say that the finest craftsman can still only create perfection if he, or in this case she, has the best materials and tools to work with in the first place!!

Although there was a lot of banter, geeing up of nerves and trampling of egos, it came as a huge disappointment not to hear the use of ‘spawny git’ one last time before we break for summer – although I suppose the Knockout Cup game may still provide that opportunity!  There was stiff competition for being dropped when it transpired we had more than enough players for once, and universal disapproval when Craptain made the decision to penalise Sparky – the only Almond who would have played every game, had he not been robbed at the finishing line – and not drop Conspiracy Pete instead.   Could Craptain have left himself in a vulnerable position for being voted back in as our leader for next season?

Obviously keen to get the game over, Britannia had made Barnesy Junior feel compelled into putting Lodge & himself on to play first at the stroke of 8pm!  Each of the first 4 players were pretty evenly matched, but Lodge & BJ managed to squeeze a 4-pin lead out of scoring 21 & 22 respectively – keeping it friendly by scoring 2 each of those pulled pins apiece!  Even though I would have complied with Compact pulling rank & taking control in Craptain’s absence, I quite happily supplied names for him to chalk on the board for order of play at his bidding, so next up we had my choice of Turk & Jocky.

Quite frankly, having rigorously avoided spilling Coke in his lap despite his insistence at sitting right next to me, I was expecting great things of Jocky…  and whilst I am quite sure he wouldn’t mind me forgetting to mention his score this week, unfortunately for him that is not going to happen!  Turk followed in the first pair’s footsteps, putting 21 on the board, pulling a pin against his oppo.  Jocky, in the antithesis of this, scored half as much as his oppo – 9 – and so we saw our +4 become a –4. 

Not wanting to run the risk of being dropped, or worse still made to play ‘anker, I decided to play safe and put myself on next.  Obviously noticing me floundering in indecision about whom to honour playing with me, Compact threw himself on the sword.  I bet he was thrilled to bits when I started with a duck, but I made steady, if not outstanding, progress after that and finished with a n-n-n-19.  Whilst I knitted one, Compact purled 1, and this meant that whilst we didn’t make things any better, we didn’t make them any worse either!  Compact’s own set of ups resulted in a total of 14, with a ‘Firecracker Five’ thrown in, and we held at -4.

Next we had peRV & Orical.  Now, although I appreciate a skittle alley doesn’t equate to the catwalks of Paris or Milan, it is still a crime against fashion to be seen out in public with your trousers tucked into your socks – I don’t care if he did come straight from a football pitch.  Even the fashion heathens of the team felt superior in peRV's presence, having a marvellous time playing catwalk Compere:  “and here we have Roberto modelling this season’s incontinence pantaloons, the special 10 gallon variety…”  peRV didn’t care, he scored 21 with no ducks and got to stroke Pussy for the 2^nd week running!!  He dropped 3 on his oppo, but working in perfect harmony like their predecessors, Orical pulled those 3 back against his own oppo, despite only scoring 14, so that we held again at 4 down as we moved into the last third of the game.

By now Craptain couldn’t resist taking charge:   with all the squabbling going on amongst the boys over who should be dropped and who didn’t want to play – and not being able to distinguish those protecting their averages from the martyrs – I wasn’t the least bit sorry!  Besides, I was feeling a teensy bit soporific following all the car talk I’d been subjected to…  aRCe & Hammer were given warm-up ‘anker status, and were rubbish.

aRCe scored himself 19, dropping 7 pins in the process.  Hammer did slightly better with 22, pulling back 4 of those lost pins, but considering we put up with him because he’s supposed to be able to play properly, it wasn’t exactly impressive.  Now 7 down on the game, we were still optimistic of a win and ending our season in the best possible taste.  Maybe if Sparky had played instead of Chuckle 1 it would have had a happier ending, but you can’t re-write history and what happened was…  Craptain played himself and C1.

Craptain’s petulance crept into his own stint on the alley and we had a touch of Goldilocks and the Three Bears when he pouted sulkily and announced, “somebody’s been playing with my balls”.  It wasn’t so much a case of 1 being too hot, the other too cold or the last one just right – he just didn’t like discovering Britannia had bigger ones that him!!  Our Craptain took top score with his 26, but playing against the oppo’s highest scorer meant that he still dropped 3 pins. 

Pete must have thought he’d already had the best out of the evening when Compact’s Ma strolled into the men’s loo and goosed him:  still in a state of shock, the ensuing nervous twitch didn’t stand him in good stead for aiming accurately.  Oh how the mighty fall…  no ending the season on a personal high for him, C1 finished with 17 and dropped 7 pins, but as I think he had safely secured supremacy in the averages by then anyway, I doubt he’ll be too downhearted over that!

And so we lost our last League game to Britannia by 17.  Having pulled the wool over everyone’s eyes this season for not being a force to be reckoned with, we can come back to the same Division in September and make them all sit up and take notice! 

We have at least one more game – the Knockout Cup match on Tuesday 1/5 at the Golden Bottle…