I am going to do my best to convey to the No Shows the mood of the evening on Tuesday 3/4, as the desiccated Almonds gathered for our game against the Legion Rams.  At first we were wondering whether we’d got the right night or right alley:  Almondsbury Sorial Club was rammed full of bodies wanting to watch The Match.  It seemed a little odd that we would generate such interest all of a sudden…  turns out they were there for Liverpool, but had they given us a chance they might have been pleasantly surprised by an equally exciting and satisfying evening’s entertainment watching the Almonds tackle, observing lots of dribbling, equal amounts of offensive language, a few own goals and some inventive scoring.

It was also a bit of a shock to walk into the alley for our home game and find half the team already in residence!   For a nanosecond I thought it might be inspired by a desire to show willing under Compact’s leadership, (yeah, I know, a bit far fetched, but then I do like Dr Who…), but the real reason soon became apparent – the Yoof Team wanted to shake their tail feathers and then fly out of there.  So keen were they to do so that they were calling for the game to be claimed when the Legion Rams hadn’t shown up by nearly quarter past the skittling hour… they bore their disappointment well when the LRs turned up at the 11^th hour, or in this case the 15^th minute, and the game finally got underway with Vice Craptain Duckless’ careful selection of opening players.

I’m not saying there was any nepotism going on, but Turk & Mini Disc were indulged in going on first pair.  It made quite a pleasant change to stand on the sidelines and soak up the atmosphere before having to perform, Wiggle standing at the back with the big boys this week – much the same as Hammer at the Rovers’ game at Cardiff Millennium Stadium:  rumour has it that he never gets a ‘good’ seat and wasn’t disappointed on this occasion, finding himself and his Silver Lady sat behind 6 giants who exercised their extensive vocabulary of swearwords loudly and on their feet!! – and I have to say I rather liked it.  aRCe did an excellent job of keeping us entertained & relaxed with a seemingly endless supply of text jokes - there was a moment when I felt my presence was suffocating The Boys’ indulgence in out-and-out filth, but they humoured me and I remained rubbing shoulders – and nothing else Hossifer – until Compact deigned it was the right moment to play me.

Whilst still firing his balls down the alley like Exocets, Turk could only manage a dozen this week.  Mini Disc doubled that – that’s 24 to save you any effort - leaving the Almonds in front by one whole pin!  Tim ‘Neat but Dim’ was at the board and set the tone of the evening by upsetting a Legion Ram after crediting him with 2 pins instead of 3…   with Compact causing further trouble throughout the evening by miscalling scores left, right and centre it’s a wonder a fight didn’t break out – a bit like Hammer the Hooligan, who was all for sorting out the Savage Six, allegedly.

VC put aRCe & Lodge up 2^nd pair.  Having abused his right arm finding all the text jokes it was a surprise aRCe knocked as many as 21 down, but at least he pulled a pin on his LR, which is more – much more – than Lodge could manage:  with his fellow Yoofs getting halves and doubles of one another’s scores, Lodge joined the ranks by scoring half as much as Turk… 6.  We dropped 12 pins at this point to put us 11 down as our Vice Craptain decided to put Jocky & himself on to try to turn the game around…  Jocky was chancing his arm at the start of the evening by not only mocking Wiggle about minding his glass of coke when she walked in, but having the audacity to point out that she’d missed him off the MR the previous week:  a third strike and he’d have been well and truly out, but he quit whilst he was ahead and there was no need for bloodshed.  I can only assume I was so traumatised by the drink spilling incident that I had a black out when it came to reporting on Jocky – no such mistakes this week, I can happily tell you that he scored 14 and due to his skittling efforts has the honour of having the ‘coppers’ renamed as ‘Jockys’, due to his uncanny ability to take out the odd pin either side and miss everything else!!

Our voracious VC was obviously keen to do well and prove his worth in the absence of our Craptain and he was going great guns halfway through his ups, but he couldn’t take the pressure of being told he was on for a 30 by his arch enemies or Wiggle’s observation that if he’d put 2 balls straight through he could put 3 through…  his 4^th up resulted in a duck!!  We were obviously mortified that we’d been instrumental in this result, (not), but it didn’t last long when he promptly got a 9 on his 5^th and strutted about like a peacock for a good few minutes.  It was Sparky who appropriately put the KoD on Compact scoring a 30, giving him the opportunity to return the one-finger salute when Compact missed his 30 by 1, finishing on 29.  It has to be said, however, that Compact excelled himself in pulling the most pins on his oppo that evening – 19 of the buggers!!

Our 3^rd pair pulled 18 pins on the game to put us 7 in front as Compact finally put Wiggle up to play, with Taffy.  I wasn’t so sure this was the right moment for me to shine…  I felt like Compact was setting me up for a fall putting me on just as we’d regained our lead and could just imagine the derision if we let it slip away.   Lucky for me then that Taffy went first and scored a duck first up, prompting Orical to point out that even Wiggle would look good in comparison and needn’t worry about being blamed for losing our tentative lead after all…  TB & JL Almond were playing TB & JL Legion Ram, which caused huge excitement for The Boys as it was deemed we were ‘playing with ourselves’:  whatever makes them happy.  Taffy suffered erratic technique but still managed to score 24, whilst Wiggle went 2 better and romped home on 26.  I was on for a 30 for sure, possibly even a 40 if I’d really tried, but Compact ruined my chances by stomping off with The Right Hump just as I was up for my 3^rd round – fancy having your chance of glory ruined by animals… Sparky pointed out Compact was getting a bit of a ‘badger’ head, and all peRV did was contradict him and say that a skunk was more like it.  Next thing we know, Compact is stalking off ‘in disgust’ without any consideration for his protégé, who proceeded to deliver a duck having had her concentration shot to ribbons.  I think I did quite well to rally as well as I did, but what I would have given to hit those last 3 pins with my last ball to equal VC’s 29…  Instead I had to be content with Taffy & I pulling 13 pins on the game, to put us in a much healthier lead of 20.

Next up we had Orical & peRV.  Now at this point the LRs had obviously run out of ideas of who to play as it took their Craptain a little while to come to the board and put some names up.  Our own Craptain flexed his muscles and went off on a rant about how they’d arrived late, were getting up to play late and now were late with putting the names up…  the harassed LR Craptain sprinted up to the board offering apologies, whereby Compact relented and empathised the LR Craptain’s lot by saying he could tell the rest of the team didn’t give a fcuk because it was obvious he’d been left to do the book, deciding order of play, putting the names up…  he should obviously go to the Chris School of Skittling and learn the art of delegation - or do I mean BS?

Orical, who raised eyebrows by sharing his carnal thoughts of thinking about anal sex every time the LR Craptain bent himself over double to play (least said about that the better…), couldn’t quite find enough resource to score as many as Wiggle this week, finishing on 21.  He did call for a study of the Averages sheet at this point, but I’m immune now.  peRV found himself struggling to hit wood this week – having had his cast replaced the weight balance was most definitely off.  It was suggested he hold the Pussy in his left hand to give him equilibrium, and guess who had to lower the tone and say “just wet his fingers”,  but peRV ignored all offers of help, including going back to have the old cast put back on, and soldiered on to score 7.  This wasn’t as catastrophic as it could have been, as we only dropped 6 to still leave us 14 up on the game as our ‘ankers limbered up.

Sparky needed that bit of limbering up as he’d been complaining nearly all night about being as stiff as a board because of all the banging he’s been doing: having started off with a duck and followed it up with a 2, our VC showed his inspirational Craptaincy technique and told the team it was obviously all down to Chuckle 1 on ‘anker pair!!  As well as his stiffness making it difficult for him to bend to the appropriate stance, by his own admission Sparky was suffering due to missing his regular partner, because Hammer is like his crotch crutch.  I think maybe there’s a little too much bonding gone on this season, but Sparky did manage to get the droop enough to put 23 up on the board.

It was quite a tense end to the game and it was right down to the wire until the last round of ups.  Sparky’s slow start made the Rams frisky and they started trying harder as they could see themselves fleecing us of a win.  Chuckle 1 kept his cool and a steady stream of pins falling over, even prompting the LRs into clapping an 8!  Sparky soon put them straight about not clapping 8s, saying we didn’t want to get too carried away…    with 5 pins in it and Sparky 19 v 17 & C1 23 v 34 when each ‘anker stood to throw his last ball, there was a huge sigh of relief when the LR responded to Sparky’s 4 with a 2.  C1 took 7 to pip Compact to top score with 30, and we did allow him his recognition this time, even though he did drop 11 pins!  The LR remained defiant to the end and also took 7 to take his score to a fantastic 41 – which I am only prepared to say as we still won the game!!  peRV was quick to claim credit for us winning by 7, and with everyone feeling magnanimous after escaping defeat by ‘shear’ nerve he didn’t get his other arm broken!