Sometimes it’s worth turning up at the start of a game just for the comedy value…  Picture the scene:  an unassuming Monday evening, a church Social Club, assorted oldies and a ‘youth’ team gathering for a friendly game of skittles, & a devoted-to-the-cause Craptain sat with one of his minions, their heads bent together carefully analysing the Averages & League tables spread out on the table in front of them.  The only thing wrong with that scene was that it wasn’t animated enough:  Wiggle took care of that on her arrival by pretending to be squeeeeezing between the tables to get to a seat, and surreptitiously bumping Jocky’s glass just hard enough to topple it over and send a pint of coke streaming over everything in the near vicinity… those boys can’t half move fast when the need arises, but they weren’t quite quick enough to escape, Craptain suffering more flood damage than Jocky – that’ll learn him to drop me & then expect me to take charge at his whim – but I was happy with the double whammy.

It was all hands on deck to restore some sort of dignity to the evening:  the doused papers were hung up to dry over the Fire Escape handle; Craptain & Jocky wouldn’t fit, so wrung out the worst of their discomfort and resigned themselves to a sticky evening; Orical was despatched to the bar to replace the drink; Wiggle mopped up the table; & everyone else tried to avoid eye contact with her in case she decided to go and sit by them instead.  I paid penance by sitting quietly in my little space, staying out of everyone’s way and moving as little as possible, humming a little tune to my notebook:  “clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right, here I am, stuck in the middle with you”.

Probably thinking he had no other choice lest I escalate my disruption, Craptain still played me, first pair with Lodge.  Our opening salvo, apart from being evenly matched, was less than inspiring with Lodge scoring 18 and Wiggle 17.  I think having the Fairy lights on might have given the alley more atmosphere and therefore stimulated me into getting that top score I know is bubbling under the surface – as it was I used up all the accuracy of my aim spilling Jocky’s coke, and the power in my elbow mopping up!

Lodge & Wiggle left the Almonds 9 down against the Bohemians, which was quite good form considering our track record of late.  Barnesy Junior & Compact were 2^nd pair and managed to pull those 9 pins back to put us all even on the game.  BJ is finding some incentive now that the season is drawing to a close, clocking up another 27 this week.  Compact scored much more modestly with 16, but at least he pulled 1 pin.  Having Mrs Duckless with us provided an interesting, whilst gross, observation over Compact’s bowling technique:  she noticed that he goes through the same routine of licking his hand before touching his balls as he does at home.

Next up we had Orical & Turk.  Whilst he scored well, Orical hit nothing to swagger home about getting his 26, and was encouraged to get off his horse and drink his milk.  Had he not let himself get distracted trying to think of big words (and practising them under his breath before feeling brave enough to enunciate them for the gratification of his cronies) to bamboozle Hammer with, he might have fared better – as it was he was philanthropic in leaving the big scores up for grabs.  Despite blasting his balls down the alley with the usual ferocity, Turk could only chalk up 14 so at half time the Almonds found themselves 5 down on the game with everything to play for.  Craptain now paired aRCe with peRV and stood back ready to be impressed.  It must have seemed like a long wait…  aRCe, understandably tired from his role of wet-nurse to a litter of puppies, hit 17 and peRV, having enjoyed his week of glory & now finding the novelty of the broken arm wearing a bit thin, struggled to sling the balls accurately enough to cast more than 21 – despite entreaties to put his “left arm down a bit”.

They held us even at 5 down, however, and we saw the usual ‘ankers in waiting formation of Hammer & Sparky stepping up to take over and show us how it’s done.  Hammer had spent a fair part of the evening setting himself up for a fall, claiming that he has never had a single score in his life and the usual garbage of how he was on for a 40 tonight.  By the time he took up position at the end of the alley he was claiming to be nervous and under pressure, causing Chuckle 1 to chortle over how we could be watching the Hammer House of Horror.

Hammer just can’t accept that he doesn’t throw every ball perfectly:  he was bellyaching about Sparky getting more than him off a hit, just not appreciating that it’s the way you hit them that counts… I expected him to stamp his feet and shout “it’s not fair” any minute, especially with Orical encouraging Compact – as if he needed any – to put the Douglas KoD on him by telling him how many he needed last up for a 30, but he restrained himself and concentrated enough to score 24.  Sparky faced similar barracking but smiled gracefully whilst giving Compact The Finger after he scored 29, to which an unfazed Compact riposted “yes, it was only 1 pin short of 30”!  Hammer muttered rather peevishly that somebody ought to shoot Douglas, but let it pass when Sparky pointed out what a waste of a bullet that would be.  Harsh… 

Now 3 in front, Craptain & C1 took up ‘anker stance and set to with vigour.  Craptain, quite at home with his sticky parts by now – and over the coke spillage too – put in a steady performance and 24 up on the board.  It was C1’s week to shine with top score of 36 and rubbing his contenders’ noses for his crown into the dirt – and by that I obviously mean his position at the top of the averages.  With a further 14 pins pulled from the Bohemians, we secured another win by 17 and celebrated our escape from relegation with decorum.

With half the team off to their retirement homes for Easter, there was a lot of collusion over how to scrape a team together for our next few matches.   Compact was getting the Right Hump with Barnesy over her determination to interfere with his arrangements, and he wasn’t too happy about her trying to tell him how to run the team either – Craptain having appointed him Acting Craptain for the Easter period:  will the Almonds be crucified or resurrected?  

I think most of us are available for our next game, which takes place on Tuesday 3/4 on our home alley against the Legion Rams – Easter games are as follows:

Friday 13/4:  Filton Nomads, Filton & District Social Club

Tuesday 17/4:  Greystoke Sports, Almondsbury Social Club