Craptain & Taffy arrived early for Tuesday’s game on our home alley and it became apparent why as Orical & Wiggle walked in with Robyn Sticker-Uppery – the room was ******* freezing and they were just shot-gunning their places by the radiator. The pins were standing to attention all ready for battle, Orical coaxed the balls from their snug home – and had to be physically restrained from trying to stuff the ‘spares’ in it, no one relishing the ugly scene Compact would make if we ruined his easier-to-carry box – but for once the Almonds were outnumbering the opposition and they weren’t in any hurry to get started until a few more Artists had drawn up.

Lodge & I were first up to make an impression on a blank canvas:  Lodge got off to a cracking start, so intimidating his Artist that she threw her first ball backwards…  having pointed her in the right direction the first round continued without further incident, although Wiggle did score a magnificent 8, the like of which has never been seen before.  Even MC – who has started a campaign to be called GC now that he’s had his hair cut a la the Hollywood star (or so he thinks) – was impressed, ruminating that it had been a long time since he’d hit all 3 balls he was going for.  C1 tried to cause trouble by twisting it all round and implying Hammer meant Wiggle had hit the pins by accident, thereby shattering my renewed confidence and causing me to end with a duck.  Hammer’s arrival threw my game right off, causing 2 ducks 3^rd & 4^th up – it was just as well Compact didn’t show up for the start, or I’d have got a Slimbridge for sure.

Anyway, where was I before they’d all put me off?  Oh yeah!  Lodge had an inconsistent game and finished on 17, and Wiggle ended up with a Sweet 16 and the largest collection of near misses you are ever likely to see.  Despite this inauspicious start we pulled 8 pins and maybe it was the expectation that we would be losing at this point as usual that made most of the Almonds ignore the WPTP, so that Lodge & Wiggle were left with their contribution unrecognised – obviously there is nothing to be gained from being modest & unassuming.

Having deigned to turn up for once, Taffy got his excuses in early for next week when told it would be Monday 26/3.  In spite of this lack of commitment, Craptain played him anyway with Barnesy Junior and was rewarded with Taffy scoring as many as 8.  BJ was on form, scoring 27 and pulling us another 11 pins to put us 19 in front a third of the way through the match.  Don’t think I didn’t notice that they were given a resounding WPTP.

Third pair we had ‘big guns’ Orical & Compact.   I can’t stress enough how pleased I am for Orical that he is no longer all at 6s & 7s, unless it is scoring that many in an up.  His 8 was almost as good as mine, but I wish I’d thought of the swagger… all those hours imitating John Wayne finally paid off for him.  Whilst he would have you believe that he was racing back to the bar to check his tenner was still there, he was actually just hurrying to get me my refill so that I didn’t write anything too harsh, hazing me up with alcohol.  Why Craptain found it necessary to point out Orical already had more than Wiggle halfway through his ups I don’t know, and if you ask me he took a little too much pleasure from the fact Orical ended up scoring more than twice as many pins with 34.  Ever since he dressed up as a 70s 118 boy he’s been trying to regain his credibility as a one tough ************, but why pick on a woman?  Especially one with a pen...

Compact, recovered from having the Right Hump about turning up to play 2 weeks before and being dropped and making his displeasure known by not turning up at all last Friday, sauntered in fashionably late and tried just hard enough to do well without pulling out all the stops, finishing on 22.  This put us 28 pins in front of the Artists and kept the momentum of WPTP going – Compact, it has to be noted, being his usual shy self and not taking any chances on missing out, led on the cheers! 

Next up we had Jocky & peRV, fresh from their football meeting.  Not wishing to upset his Welsh Bro, Jocky kept his score down to 12, thereby ensuring some sort of solidarity, but at the same time making sure he scored just a few more for pride’s sake.  peRV, on the other hand, has unwittingly discovered what his skittling handicap has been – having the use of both hands!  All plastered up from breaking his arm in not 1, not 2, but 4 different places, peRV astonished everyone, not least himself, by scoring a brilliant 35 – and he didn’t even need anyone to hand him his balls, so he is obviously well-practised in one armed combat.  Even Orical Wayne was magnanimous enough to congratulate peRV on trumping his top score (the hell he was…), and of course no one was stingy enough to rob them of their WPTP. 

peRV coped well with the barrage of mickey taking thrown at him – enquiries about his wrist action, needing a hand to go to the toilet, what animals the under 7s can be on the pitch – but you could tell it really hurt when Barnesy asked if he’d been to the same barber as Hammer; he considered it the harshest thing ever said to him.  I’ll leave it up to you all to decide if it was harsh-but-fair…  but from his comment on the website it looks like Hammer has already made his mind up.

With another 7 pins added to our lead, so that we were in front by 35, and with the opposition telling us that they were pissed Artists because they didn’t have enough players, a win for the Almonds was assured.  Thinking our Craptain a real gentleman when he offered the services of Barnesy to play out the 5^th pair, the Artist Captain gamefully chalked up her name so we had the sport of watching her play against Hammer & Sparky.  Barnesy scored well off her first 2 ups, citing lack of pressure and not having to endure Pete’s coaching as the reason, before spending the next 4 letting her wheels fall off one by one and crushing the last vestiges of hope for the 2 Artists who had remained to offer their support.  Personally I thought it was hysterical how the Almonds kept shouting at her to play like she normally does, thereby convincing the Artists they’d been stitched right up…  and Barnesy getting crosser that her beautiful landscape had turned into Cubism.   The only sympathy she got was from Hammer, who uttered the immortal words “if you will venture away from the kitchen sink to play a man’s game, you only get what you deserve”….  it’s questionable whether this skittler should have been allowed to breed.

So while Barnesy was busy scoring her 13, Hammer & Sparky were on their way to less than average scores of 20 & 24.  After scoring a duck on his first up Hammer blamed his tools and insisted the front pin was fractionally off centre…  but I suspect he was still seething from being fished successfully by Sparky:  first of all Sparky threw out his line with the Faithless concert Hammer had attended as the bait, then when Hammer bit he reeled him in by telling him he’d seen an article in the local paper about it.  With Hammer firmly on the line, Sparky landed his fish by telling him the critic had said that their rendition of Little Mouse with Clogs On was the best they had ever heard!  Hammer continued to thrash about when it would have been kinder to end his suffering by hitting him with wood seeing as he was having so much trouble doing it himself, and he only got half way to his self predicted 40.

Sparky, on the other hand, was so worried about being split up from Hammer after Barnesy had helped the Artists to pull on our team after her power start, that he never fully recovered his nerve and had to settle for his 24.  They still managed to pull 10 pins so that we were 45 up, but it all became immaterial as we’d run out of painters and had to resort to arguing amongst ourselves over how to bring our game to a close.  In the end, Craptain & Chuckle 1 played against one another for top place in the averages.  God alone knows what Craptain was on, but with hardly anyone there to witness it he had the game of a lifetime scoring a whopping 42, which included a spare on his 5^th up which took him beyond peRV’s 35, whereby our one-armed bandit enunciated “you spaaaawww-kneeeeee BAAAStard” in suitably disbelieving and disgusted tone that he’d been ‘Rob-bed’ of top score!!  I suspect C1 wouldn’t mind a bit if I never mentioned his 23, but we might as well have it down for the record...

With another victory under our belts I’m assuming with our recent spate of wins we’ll be safely staying in this more difficult division for another season, yay! – or is that counting your chickens?! 

Our next match is on Monday 26/3 against the Bohemians, at St Teresa Social Club, Filton.

(Week after is Tuesday 3/4 at home, against Premiers).