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MR 16/3: Trymside Pare Down Almonds |
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Having discarded me like an old shoe the previous week, I thought Craptain was trying to make amends by making me his Chosen One to head up the team in his absence for Friday’s game against Trymside at Clifton Rugby Football Club. Turns out he was just desperate following a mass desertion by some of the troops: at least you know on whom you can rely Craptain. Minidisc, who was sat like a lone sentinel guarding our territory when we arrived, couldn’t wait to get away so went on first pair with EN&T, who had been sent out as an advance party to Craptain so that she could get home and relieve him of one set of kids to come out and play with another. It took the duo a while to adjust their eyesight to the matchsticks we had to hit in place of proper pins, and EN&T also had issues with the shiny balls – it’s not because they’ve been deliberately polished again, it just happens naturally trying to prise them out of the box – and due to their 4XXXX start we found ourselves 23 pins down even though they managed to get a 19 & 14 on the board. Next up we had Turk & Lodge. They kept it all very friendly by scoring 18 apiece and pulling back 6 pins on the pair. Turk, who had more foot faults & balls over the line than John McEnroe, turned just as lippy when asked politely by Wiggle to observe the correct bowling procedure. Apparently his Dad has been playing skittles for 300 years, and cheating for most of that by the sound of it, and Turk kindly informed me that there are no actual rules… not that he is planning on following anyway. No wonder Sophie didn’t want to come to the game: it’s not because she finds it boring, but because her man gets skittle rage. Apart from a bit of blasphemy, Lodge was a model skittler, pulling the 6 pins on his own (which Turk put down to the fact that he was playing against a Trymside who could barely move to throw, unlike Turk whose own oppo was a stud presumably), AND his girlfriend was quite happy to come out with him. 17 down it was time for the girls to have a bash. Things were looking good for Barnesy as she opened with a 6, causing Pete to gush about how he’d always been her biggest fan. Barnesy thought it was more likely all the drugs she was on, and we all wanted some of those after she scored 4 on her second up and actually had Pete “impressed” no less! The shock of being in double figures so early on proved too much & the wheels fell off for Barnesy, not helped by the fact she had to battle with the pain barrier as well when her knee started playing up, but she rallied to hit another 3 to finish on 13. There appears to be some double standard when it comes to using skittling terms… i.e. the women aren’t allowed to swear. When Barnesy & Wiggle were deemed to be having too much fun with the old skittling lingo we were told to ‘focus’ on the game. Well we were, we were discussing how it was the bastard balls and pins causing Barnesy the problems, not her playing style. Wiggle had a better game than of late, although had a disappointing finish… I suffered from premature jubilation when I thought I’d finished and started celebrating not getting a duck. It was a bitter blow to have it pointed out I still had my last up to go: apparently it isn’t OK for a woman to say “bollocks” either – although I’m pretty sure no one would have minded had I been asking to look at some. Having jinxed myself by mentioning the D word before I was safe, I ended up triple jinxed when Hammer had to point out I was on for a 30 & Chuckle 1 told me how many pins I needed to achieve that. Bar Stewards. Instead of the glory of a hat trick I had to be satisfied with stroking Pussy after avoiding a duck by clipping the front pin and taking it for 1 with my last ball. Craptain had arrived by now and wasted no time in taking over the management of the team, which was just as well as Wiggle was beginning to lose the plot somewhere in the depths of her 3rd bucket of wine. I missed his nipple exposure, but Barnesy didn’t and even managed to shoot a few pics as she was holding my digital camera at the time… we’ll let you know if any magazines take up an option Reg!! He reckoned he was just taking his jumper off, but convinced it was just an excuse to show off his man boobs Barnesy & Wiggle organised a reconstruction: much to the disappointment of the assembled crowd we proved it is possible to remove an outer layer without nipple exposure – and it wasn’t really cheating guys for Barnesy to anchor my undergarments!! With Taffy out of the way at his caravan for the weekend we all hoped to see Jocky back on blistering form. He possibly used up too much energy performing rain dances with Orical and thinking up a moniker to describe those skittlers who enjoy lounging around the middle of the averages table – henceforth to be know as mid-table Numpties. Orical was getting right on Wiggle’s wick with his references to the averages… but she will possibly be a bit more interested in looking at them next Tuesday after Orical scored 16. Jocky scored a Baker’s Dozen and we now found ourselves 36 down as those ‘ankers in waiting were put on to try to turn the game around. There was a lot of musical talk on Friday, and we all learned things we’d be better off not knowing about Sparky & Hammer’s musical proclivities: Sparky misheard when he was asked if he’d heard of Dido and expressed his surprise that they made one that could sing – the dido he was thinking of can make any woman sing, but he lost interest when he realised he’d made an L of a mistake and to distract us from that he told us all about his passion for watching Gay bands – like that made it any better. Hammer on the other hand couldn’t wait to boast about body surfing at the Faithless concert, which wasn’t jumping into a crowd and being carried on outstretched hands as you might think, it was his own version of it – an excuse to cop a feel of as many women as possible by pretending his hands were the surf rolling all over the bodies… When discussion turned to the crazy world of Arthur Brown and his song about fire, the conversation got away from me a bit… I seem to recall that some bloke singing whilst his helmet was burning broke Hammer’s concentration and caused him to miss with his first ball, and he never fully recovered because he only managed a 22 this week (2 less than Wiggle). Sparky kept a keen focus on the averages and racked himself up a 30 and pulled 10 pins back on his oppo – Hammer only managed to pull 3 (4 less than Wiggle), but every little helps and we were now back to where we were in the beginning, 23 down, by the time the ‘ankers took the floor. Despite quite a gallant attempt to score as many pins as they could, Craptain & Chuckle 1 were up against the Trymside Titans, who stole 2 more pins to see us lose by 25 even after Craptain hit 28 and Chuckle 1 34 – and C1 was gutted that Sparky had dashed off early to catch a repeat of Neighbours and wasn’t there to witness his monopoly of the top of the averages! Our next match is at home on Tuesday 20th March, against the Artists – should be cultural! Our best wishes go to peRV who allegedly broke his arm playing football: the rumour mill has it that it was actually being knocked down by a bloke in a crash helmet that did it…
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